


Chaotic Hilarity

by DarkFoxKirin



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Suicide Squad (2016)
Genre: Batman has an unhealthy crush, F/M, Harley Quinn is jelly, I Had To, Joker has a soft spot for funny girls, Set Post Suicide Squad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-07-14 08:20:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7162076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkFoxKirin/pseuds/DarkFoxKirin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're an antihero that fights for both sides. </p><p>You've just moved into Gotham to stir things up a bit when the city's greatest 'hero' and villain take a liking to you. </p><p>This is a story about who you choose and the chaotic hilarity that ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome To Gotham

Your name is Alexandria Pompeii (otherwise known as the Painted Mage) and you're an antihero, a strong one at that.

Not wanting to toot your own horn, but you were one of the strongest around. Everyone in your old city was cautious about messing with you. Your powers included; being able to summon portals to and from anywhere. It wasn't like teleporting and having to know where you're going. All you needed to know is the address or the general area and boom! The portal is summoned. You can also relocate it if the location wasn't to your liking. You could also draw on anything (even in midair, but that required a special pen and A LOT more work) and make it come to life in any size, shape, color and texture. You are able to bring already existing pictures to life as well. You have a rather high pain tolerance and you're very flexible but you only knew some simple hand to hand combat. (But you can always summon some Samurai to fight for you. You have done so in the past actually...) You know know how to create a large number of different types of bombs as well. 

You decided to move to Gotham because your previous home became too dull. The heroes needed no help and the villains were either too weak or too scared to do anything. (Even when you'd offered your services...)

But one day, you saw on the news that Gotham was getting worse and worse in criminal activity. There was even only a small amount of heroes in the area! Well, 'hero' being loosely termed for Batman. (More like a vigilante.) Now, Jim Gordon sounds like he _should_ be a hero, but was only a cop. 

There was even an antihero just like you! Well, she usually just did what she wanted, but whatever. While Catwoman had a weird jewelry fetish, you still wanted to meet her.

And the villains! Oh so many strong villains! (This Batman fellow seemed like a pretty capable guy so surely one of them needed help.) There was Bane, Poison Ivy, Killer Croc, Scarecrow, and the one that intrigued you the most, the clown prince of crime, the harlequin with the glasgow grin, the Joker. He was supposedly the most dangerous criminal mastermind of all time! 

And he _fascinated_ you.

You've never seen anyone like him! While you were slightly wary about meeting him, (it says here that he usually kills those he works with...) you still wanted to. Was it wrong that you found him attractive? Nah. Nothing can really come from it anyway. He was dating that clown girl with the dumb name, Harley Quinn was it? Eh, one can dream.

-

You groaned as you stretched your hands up toward the ceiling after setting down your last box. Even though you had carried everything through a portal from your old manor to your new one, it was still tiring. 

You huff out a breath and close the shimmering blue portal behind you, shutting off the last link to your old life. 

You ruffle a hand through your long thick sapphire blue ringlets before drawing out your enchanted sketchpad from the ever present black and sapphire messenger bag hooked on your shoulder. It was a gift from your mother (she was a fae witch and your father was a Greek artist) and it never ran out of pages. You usually had a bunch of pages filled with almost finished works for quick summoning. 

You take out the enchanted pen that came with the sketchpad and finish up a few elegantly drawn men with ease. The men grow in size as they quickly rise from the paper with a few dark blue sparks. They swiftly line up and gaze at you in obedience, awaiting your orders. You could will them to do what you want telepathically, and you do when you're in battle, but you like to talk to your creations. It gives them a bit more _life_. If you don't order them to do something, they do have their own minds, but if you're incapacitated, the tend to get a little 'murdery' and 'seek-and-destroy' everything and everyone around you no matter which side they're on. You don't really mind, but it's a bitch to clean up...

You've made around a dozen or so of the slightly papery looking men. They look real, but if you look closely, you can see (and feel) what type of material you had made them from. (But don't let their semi-fragile appearance fool you, your creations are extremely hard to destroy. They're hard to cut, burn, and crush, but when they are, they could mend themselves back together.) There were even little men sized cut outs of where they were on the page in your sketchbook. You had another dozen on the page so you didn't bother ripping it out. You put the sketchbook back into your bag and smile up at the tall paper men infront of you. (You were rather short and petite for the age of 25. Around 5'2 if you will...) Their eyes brighten and they smile back. You giggle and spread out your arms to point out all of the unpacked boxes and unmoved furniture. "Alright gentlemen! Here's what ya gotta do; unpack these boxes and put my stuff in the proper places and move the furniture into a lovely arrangement. Capisce?" All of the men nod and eagerly start on their given tasks. 

You sigh in contentment before you take your phone out of your pocket to check on your animals. Yes animals, you used to have a menagerie full of actual trained animals and ones that you had created (not that anyone else knew that. Everyone else thought that you had bought them from the fae or mad scientists). You had recently bought a zoo from a gentleman called Mr.Bruce Wayne a few weeks prior to your move and you wanted to make sure that they were all right. You loved each and every one of your creations and animals. 

You called one of your oldest creations, Sebastian. He actually picked the name out himself. His origin story wasn't a very good one however. 

-

A few years ago, (when you were 16 to be exact) you were feeling rather lonely. Your father had just passed away and your mother went back to the faery realm to serve her queen. (She was second in the line for the throne of the unseelie court) You were grieving when you decided that you were never going to be alone again. So, you went out and killed some poor sod and desecrated his body. You removed the hair, flesh, blood, bones, brain, eyes, organs, and guts and had put them into separate piles. 

And then you had started to paint. 

His outline was made with flesh, bones, and blood, his head had the dark hair sprinkled about and ontop of the brain and skull, and the organs and guts were put in the general area of the body except for the heart. 

Now, the heart held most of the body's weaknesses and that's how your father had died. A heart attack. So you took the heart and placed it inside of a small and specially made, enchanted titanium chest. You have that chest locked up tight where no one can ever find nor get to it. (In a cave on Mars.) The last thing to add to your gory masterpiece were the eyes. The man you had killed had dull brown eyes and you hated them. So, you took off your large golden earrings, your father's last gift to you on your 16th birthday, and placed them into the skull's sockets. 

The ground shook and the pavement that you were kneeling on cracked. Sapphire lightning crackled as it ripped itself from you to go through and around the creation of flesh and bone. The amount of power that you were giving this bloody creation took almost everything you had.

But you did it. 

You had jolted when something picked you up from your crumpled heap and held you close. You had opened your violet eyes to look into pure gold. "Hello Mistress, thank you for creating me. And please, call me Sebastian." You had never felt so much joy in your life. Finally, you were never going to be alone _ever_ again. 

From that point on, Sebastian acted as your butler, bodyguard, handyman, adviser, conscience, and your dearest friend. He is a handsome fellow if you do say so yourself. He has silky midnight black hair that has a slight curl to it and the most beautiful molten gold eyes. (If you looked closely, you could see the gold swirling in circles around his pupal sluggishly like you had actually melted down your earrings and poured them into his eyes.) His dark eyebrows were thick and arching, his nose is aristocratic and his body is strong and elegant. He has fine, chiseled features and his skin was a pleasant cream color. (A nice contrast to your olive tone.) He's graceful in everything that he does, and he was very tall too, about 7'3. 

He wasn't like your other creations. For one, he wasn't made out of paint, paper, brick, sand, glass, or even stone. He was mostly made up of the things that make up a normal human being. But, there _were_ differences. One of them being was that he was much stronger and more durable than normal people. He was also faster, smarter, and has more agility. He has super healing and knew every different fighting style known to man. (You didn't give him that, he just read _thousands_ of books and taught himself.) Which brings to mind that he is the most sentient out of all of your creations. He does have his own brain after all. 

But he does have his weaknesses, as few as they are. Since he has no heart, he sometimes can't feel anything towards others. For some reason that doesn't pertain to you. Why, he hugs you when you're feeling down, and laughs at your jokes. (The good ones at least...) It's like whenever he isn't completely alone with you, he becomes stone cold to anyone who tries to come too close for his liking. You don't really mind though. It's nice to have someone who hates everyone in the world but likes you and you alone.

But if someone were to find his heart and destroy it, then Sebastian would cease to exist. And that's why it's on Mars, far away from harm.

-

As always, he picked up on the first ring. "Yes Mistress?"

You huff and place your free hand on your hip. "Sebastian! How many times have I told you to call me Alex? You're my dearest friend and if you wont call me by my name then who will?" 

You could practically hear the smirk stretch across his pretty face as he spoke. "Well Mistress, if I would do that then how can I stoke your ego? No matter how many times you protest I know you like it when I call you Mistress. Now, I know you called to check up on your beasts, and yes they are doing fine. One of the dragons had tried to eat one of the saber tooth tigers, but I handled it... I may need a new suit however."

You smile and sigh in exasperation. "Oh Sebastian. What am I going to do with you?"

"Tell me that my job is done so that I can order a new suit would be a good course of action." He quipped back.

That made you laugh. Trying to speak through your giggles, you manage to answer. "Alright, fine. If everyone is in their proper spots and the stone workers that I had assigned to you are working in their proper sectors, then yes. You have finished your task magnificently. As always. Now, go order you a new suit and come to our new home. I'll be waiting."

"Of course Mistress. I should be over in a few hours. If you want my company sooner, you'll have to send me one or your portals, in say, about forty five minutes. Farewell." And with that, he hung up.

You chuckled and put your phone back in your pocket. Well, you might as well help your paper men by putting up some of your personal items. 

When forty five minutes passed, Sebastian sends you a text saying that he's waiting in an abandoned corridor at Wayne Enterprises. You reply by immediately creating a portal that shows you Sebastian in said hallway. He quickly steps through and you close it after he's safely on the other side. You grin up at him. "Welcome to our new manor Sebastian! I know you don't need a tour since you were the one who found the place, but it's the thought that counts."

He smirks and gives you a smooth bow. "Thank you Mistress. Now, I believe you had mentioned yesterday that you wanted to 'meet' everyone?"

You straighten up and clap your hands together once before pointing to Sebastian. "Yes! I did! Where would I be without you Sebby?"

He gives you a gentle smile and places a gloved hand on your shoulder. "Probably just fine, Mistress."

You scoff and flap your hand at him. "No way! I'd be helpless without you here. Utterly helpless." You give a firm nod to bring your point across.

He pats you on the head before withdrawing and straightening back up to his full height. "Whatever you say Mistress."

You grumble and fix your vibrant hair. "That's right. So, let's stop running our mouths and put our costumes on, it's almost sundown!"

You grab Sebastian's large gloved hand and drag him to the elevator. You press the down button and walk into the elevator when the doors open immediately. You take out a set of keys from your bag and use one of them to unlock a panel that has an eye recognition scanner and a hand scanner. After scanning both, the floor B3 lights up. When you two reach the wanted floor, you both step out and you tug your stoic butler after you past your vast collection of guns, missiles, cars, knives, swords, three helicopters, various bombs, and other equipment until you got to your costume display cases. (You were a pretty good marksman but Sebastian was the one that liked using the knives and swords.) You finally let go of his hand to get his costume down to shove it into his face and then get yours. 

Your costume was pretty simple. It was a dark blue leather jacket with matching leather pants. You wore black knee high boots and a plain black mask that covered your whole face and was made out of kevlar and had bight blue streaks going down from the slits for your eyes. The streaks got thinner that farther it went down all the way to your chin. The leather jacket and the pants were padded with kevlar too. You also wore black finger less gloves. In order to hide your naturally sapphire blue hair, you use expensive but easily removable spray on black hair dye. 

Sebastian's costume was quite like your's except for the color scheme. His pants and jacket (which was more like a trench coat) were black while his military grade boots and mask were a dark blue and the streaks were black. He wore dark blue whole gloves. He didn't do anything to his hair since it wasn't glaringly unique like yours. His persona was named Ink. 

Once you two were all suited up, you opened up a portal infront of the entrance to Scarecrow's lair. You step through and turn to look at Sebastian as he comes to a stop beside you. "So this is the place?" 

Sebastian nods. "Of course Madam Mage." You always stressed the point about using your code names while out in the field. You don't know who may be listening.

You shrug. "Alrighty then, here we go. Time to greet the neighbors!" You hold out a hand to your bodyguard. "Ink, the blueprints if you will."

Without a word, he hands the rolled up blueprints to Scarecrow's lair to you. You give it a quick glance and open up a portal to go right to the villain's lab. You both go through it and hide within the shadows. You both saw Scarecrow mixing something dark green and pouring it into a yellow viscous fluid which caused it to turn into a sickly green gas. He then started the process of sucking all of the gas from the glass dome that it was in and transferring it into individual separate vials. 

"Impressive chemistry there Scarecrow." The villain jumps violently and whips around to the sight of you and Sebastian stepping out of the shadows behind him.

He backs up and grabs for something on the table behind him. "W-who are you? How did y-you two get in here?" Without waiting for an answer, he tries to spray something into both of your faces, but you just open up a small portal right infront of the gun and make it go forward and close around the handle, thus causing the gas and the front of the gun to go tumbling into the Atlantic. Not that Scarecrow knows that, nor does he seem to care because he's now cowering on the floor with a bruise darkening across his sharp cheekbones because Sebastian doesn't like it when you get threatened. 

He was currently looming over the cowering villain. "Attack my Madam again, and you'll be dead within a second." Seb coldly drawls as he nonchalantly kicks away the useless gun handle. 

Scarecrow nods quickly. "Y-yes, yes of course. I wouldn't dream of it! Just p-please, don't hurt me!" 

You walk forward as you click your tongue mockingly at him. "Aw, honey, we're not here to hurt you. We're just here to say hi!" You gently brush the man's dark hair away from his bright blue eyes. "I like your eyes. They're pretty." 

He just stares up at you dumbly as you stand back up and take a few steps away, bringing Sebastian with you. You open up a portal to your next location with a wave of your and look over your shoulder to the villain that was still on the floor. "There's a new pair of antiheroes in town. I am the Painted Mage and this is Ink. It was a pleasure to meet you Scaredy Crow!" And with that, the two of you stepped through the portal and it closed immediately after the two of you were through it. 

Something similar happened each time you and Sebastian appeared unannounced inside of a villain's secret lair. Poison Ivy tried to feed the two of you to her giant man eating plants, but you just tossed each plant that she sent towards you through a portal to the inside of a volcano. After you explained that you meant no harm and introduced yourselves, you summoned a portal to reach through and take out some special poisonous plants that you got from the faery realm to give to the sobbing Ivy. Shocked and awed, she squealed at having some new 'babies' to play with and hugged you. She waved to you as you left. 

Killer Croc tried to eat you, but Sebastian punched his sharp teeth in before he could take a bite out of you. After you introduced yourselves again, you apologized and patted a sulking Croc on the head before you left with Seb.

Bane tried to give you and Sebastian some of his venom but you politely declined and introduced yourselves then left soon after. 

Catwoman was pleasant to talk to, but then she tried to steal the silver ring that you were wearing. Sebastian snatched her wrist up before she could accomplish it though. To make up for the nearly broken wrist, you created a portal to the Queen of England's treasury and took a beautiful ruby necklace to give to the pouting pussy cat. The gleeful kitty was practically purring by the time that the two of you left. 

The only lairs that Sebastian wasn't able to find were the Caped Crusader's and the Cackling Clowns's. Not wanting to give Harley Quinn any credit, you commented that Joker and Batman were the craftiest in the city. 

The two of you decided to take a break ontop of a random skyscraper to try and figure out where their lairs were. 

But for once, someone else snuck up on the two of you. Almost.

You and Sebastian were seated on the edge of the roof with your laptop on Seb's lap. He was looking at an air view of the city's layout, and you were eating a slice of pizza and occasionally feeding bites to your oldest creation. (Sebastian didn't have to eat, but he could. It also helped him gain his energy and heal faster.) You were about to feed him another piece when Sebastian froze before whipping around and lunging for something behind you. 

You just blinked at the laptop that was suddenly in your lap before casually putting it down and placing the half eaten pizza slice back into the pizza box that was next to you and stood up as well. You turned around to see Sebastian gritting his teeth as he held a black clothed figure in a headlock as the figure repeatedly punched him in the side, trying to get him let go. 

Wait, was that Batman? What luck! 

You walked up to the struggling men and stood infront of them. You quickly slid Sebastian's mask into place while fixing your own before leaning over slightly to look Batman in the eye, you smiled (not that he could see it) and held out your hand. "Well, hello! I didn't see you there, but it seems that you've agitated my partner. Ink, you can let him go."

Reluctantly, Sebastian releases the disgruntled Bat and straightens his disheveled leather trench coat with a huff. Batman grunts and stands up straight. He glares at Sebastian who coldly stares back before looking back to you and ignoring your held out hand. Ouch. "Who are you and what do you want? Villains all over the city are riled up and talking about a masked couple using portals and greeting them right in the middle of their secret lairs."

You laugh and let your hand fall. "That's exactly what we're doing! We're saying 'hi'. We _would_ have greeted you and Joker, but you both are too good at hiding your tracks. Bravo, by the way for being able to keep my Ink from figuring out where you lived. Yet at least." Batman narrowed his eyes at you for that last comment. You smile before gasping and waving your hands around rapidly. "Oh! I almost forgot!" You got the feeling that Bats was raising his eyebrows. You grabbed Sebastian's arm and tugged him over to you and curtsied (while using Seb's coat like a skirt). "I am the Painted Mage and this is my partner, Ink. We're antiheroes. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr.Tall-Dark-and-Grumpy." 

Batman just glowered at you and Seb without saying a word. You roll your eyes and calmly lean against Sebastian's chest behind you. "If you were wondering, we play for _both_ sides. If they appeal to our better interests of course." Silence. "Look, I'm sure that you have better things to do, so me and my partner are just gonna go-" You start to wave your hand to summon a portal, but Batman steps forward and reaches for your hand to stop you, but Sebastian smacks his hand away from yours.

Batman scowls at Seb but steps back anyway. "Why are you here? I've never seen the two of you before."

You rub circles into Sebastian's side to calm him down and toss a smirk over to Batman. (Not that he could see it.) "We moved here because I was bored with the last place we came from. No one needed any help. And if they did, they were always too scared of the heroes to step a toe out of line! But Gotham, oh Gotham..." You giggle a little evilly. "This city has a _bunch_ of problems!" You throw your hands out wide as if to show him the amount, causing Sebastian to lean back a little to avoid getting smacked in the face.

You feel as if Batman's raising an eyebrow right now. You decide to up the ante. You take a step forward and point at the vigilante's face, causing him to tense up. "Even you! I've read up on you mister and I know that even you need some help. Sure, you find _someway_ to get out of whatever mess that you're in, but you've almost gotten killed dozens of tines! How abou-"

You got interrupted by a large explosion and wild cackling. All three of you whip your heads over to the City Hall. It was in flames. That's when you hear the screechy sound of an intercom turning on. "HA HA HA HA! Heya Bats, didya miss me? No? Well that's TOO BAD!" You almost feel giddy. You'll be able to see the infamous Batman and Joker interact in person! "Oh, I'm sure that you've seen the City Hall by now, (such a lovely bonfire, perfect for roasting marshmallows,) and if you don't want the same to happen to Gotham's School for the Disabled, then come to warehouse 18 for a little play date! You have thirty minutes or BOOM! Disabled burnt marshmallows. See ya soon Batsy!" With a click, the intercom shut off.

You hear Batman growl under his breath as he starts to ready his cape for takeoff. Then you get a great idea. "Hey! Do you want a shortcut? We're going to the same place anyway." As you say this, you twirl your fingers to summon a portal a half a block away from the warehouse. Through it, you all can see Joker's goons getting everything ready.

Batman looks at it uncertainly. "How do I know that you're not working for the Joker already?" 

You roll your eyes and grab Sebastian's hand as you start to walk through the portal. "Because I already told you I haven't even met him yet! But I'm about to!" And you're through. You glance back to see Batman hesitate before tensing up and jumping through the slowly closing portal. You giggle and clap your hands. "Now that's the spirit! Let's go find Joker!" 

Before you can prance off, Batman holds up a hand. "Wait. Are you good with bombs?"

You snort and cross your arms. "Absolutely. I know every kind."

Batman nods in approval. "Good. I'll need you to disable the bombs while _I_ find Joker."

Your eyes light up in indignation. "Now wait just a second! I want to meet the Joker too!"

"You'll probably only make things worse." He says as he gives you a deadpan look. Then he looks at the quietly standing Sebastian behind you. "He can serve as a distraction."

Seb links his hands behind him and doesn't move. "I will not be leaving Madam Mage in a potentially dangerous situation alone to fend for herself."

You spin around to hug Sebastian around the waist and coo up at him. "Aww! You're so sweet! But if we want to make a good impression, I guess we can comply just this once. Besides, I'll be done disabling the bomb for the disabled in less than three minutes. And we even came here early which means they might not even be guarding the bomb yet!"

Sebastian takes his hands from behind his back and rests them on your sides. "But Madam-"

You shush him with a finger. "Listen. I'll be fine. Okay?" Sebastian doesn't get a chance to respond before you create a portal to a random room inside of the warehouse and jump through it. "Great! See you later! I'll portal you." And then you're gone.

Sebastian huffs and stands up straight in resignation. Batman looks over to where you disappeared from then over to Seb. "She does this often, doesn't she?" 

The navy blue masked man gives him a drawl look that screams, 'What do you think?' before turning around and sprinting for the loitering thugs in the distance. Batman notes on just how abnormally fast the man is running before taking out his grappling hook and shooting it through a window on the second floor.

-

You turn away from the portal that was showing you Batsy and Seb and head toward the rather large detonation device to the right of you. (You can make sure that people on the other side of the portal can't see through it or the portal at all, serving as a one-way window. It's some of the only Fae magic that you inherited from your mother.) Why would the Joker need such a large detonator? Perhaps this was just a decoy, but it was definitely rigged to _something_ , so you decided to disarm it anyway. 

Right as you quickly take off the paneling for the wiring and get to work, you hear slow footsteps approach you. You pause what you're doing and speak up. "Take another step forward and your head will end up in space."

The footsteps stop and go sideways. Your jaw drops slightly in disbelief. "Seriously-!?" You turn around as you say this and you come face to purple vest with none other than the Joker himself. 

He smirks at you and leans in closer. Oh my, he's even more handsome up close... "My, my, what an impressive threat! I'm actually somewhat eager to find out how you would do that. Although, some of the other villain in the city have been ranting about a slippery little portal maker and her lackey. Would that happen to be you?" He looked a bit gleeful at meeting you so soon.

You smirk right on back and lay on the charm whilst one of your hands reaches behind you to continue to disarm the detonator. "Why, yes, yes I am. I am called the Painted Mage and my absent partner is Ink. We're antiheroes, and it's a pleasure to finally meet the most successfully dangerous man in Gotham." 

Joker looks delighted and leans in close enough that you're noses are almost touching. "Such a flatterer! And what brings a feisty minx such as yourself to my humble abode with none other than Batsy?"

Is it just you or is it getting hot in here? "Well, we were actually looking for you in the first place when Batman came out of nowhere and then you blew up the City Hall. Nice explosives by the way. I really liked how you got the roof to fly off before making it explode too, it was pretty spectacular!"

The Joker looked like he was preening at this point. But then he seemed to catch sight of what your hand was doing and chuckled darkly while quickly reaching out to snatch your hand up to give it a kiss. "Thank you dear, _I try my best._ But it seems as if the Bat has gotten you to play his tune first. A woman like you should have better taste in music. _And I have such a lovely tune for you to dance to too._ " His voice got darker and more serious at the end there.

You liked it. "I don't dance alone."

Joker cackled and pressed a few buttons on the detonator, causing an automated voice to start counting down from ten. "Then let's dance baby!"

Slightly alarmed but intrigued, you quickly create a portal to where Sebastian was and shove both you and the Joker through it, causing you to slam into Sebastian and keep on going through to yet another portal that led to the roof of a building a few blocks away from the exploding warehouse. You could see Batman gliding away from the burning building in the distance. Well, at least he was okay.

Sebastian gets up from the large heap the three of you had landed in and reaches down to pick you up from under a still giggling Joker. He sets you down and checks you for any injuries. You sniff and dust off your jacket. "Not to worry Ink, I'm quite alright." 

You then turn to see Joker jump up from where he was to face you. "Hoo wee, now that was exhilarating! You have to come over for tea sometime! But for now-" Batman then zooms up from nowhere and tackles the Joker off of the roof. "-I must be going!" You blink rapidly and walk over to the edge of the roof and look down to see Batman and Joker sparring in the street.

You stare for a bit longer before side-eyeing Sebastian who was watching the show with you. "Well I do believe it's time to go, don't you think so Inky?"

Sebastian sighs and keeps on looking down at the two men on the street. "If I say yes, will you stop giving me those infernal nicknames?"

You giggle and lean into him as you create a horizontal portal just past the edge of the roof that leads back to the manor. "Absolutely not!" You titter before you grab both of Seb's hands to hop down and into the portal.

-

The Joker smiles as he takes one last glance at you as you and Sebastian fall through the portal and disappear. 

He absolutely _must_ see you again.

[TBC...]


	2. This Is Usually Considered As Stalkerish Behavior...

You yawned as you stretched amoungst the blue silky sheets of your king sized bed. You tug your cushy black comforter up a bit higher and snuggle deeper into the mattress.

-

After you and Sebastian had gotten back from the mess with Batman and Joker, you both had changed back into your normal clothes and went back upstairs. Sebastian waited patiently as you pulled up two separate portals to show the Bat in one and Joker in the other. The fight had ended with the Joker escaping via a small bomb and Batman searching for him but giving up and going back to his Batmobile. You followed each of their progression and watched as they inadvertently showed exactly where their secret lairs were. Turns out that the Joker lives rather close by to your mansion in a abandoned house and the Batman was actually Bruce Wayne! That was a shock.

Batman had driven his miniature tank into a cargo trailer, whose door opened automatically. Or it was remote controlled. The floor on the inside lowered down into a large basement/warehouse type of area filled with various vehicles, weapons, and computers. It was there that the Bat had undressed (Seb had narrowed his eyes at you after seeing your appreciative smirk. You had shrugged and mouthed, 'What?'. Sebastian just grunted unhappily and looked back at the portal.) and once he was finished, there stood Bruce Wayne, the rich playboy that everyone knew and loved. You didn't particularly care, you wouldn't blab on him or anything. Unless he tries to take you down. In that case, you have some major blackmail at your disposal.

He then took an elevator up into Wayne Manor where he met up with his butler (you learn his name after Bruce greets him) and went on to work on his computer, looking for any info on you and Sebastian's alter egos. He wont find much. 

You left him to his searching, but kept the portal open. You made sure that it couldn't be entered and that it would follow the man's every move, just like everyone else's personal portal. You had a special room for every person of import. There was a portal for each person and you positioned them all over the room alphabetically, and now Bruce Wayne/Batman and the Joker are now a part of the bunch. (Seb had helped out and labeled every portal by each person's name.) You and Sebby called it the Spying Room. 

After all that, you had bid Sebastian goodnight and left him to do clean up, maintenance, and whatever else he does at night since he doesn't need sleep. (He can go into a type of 'hibernation mode' similar to computers. The slightest provocation can 'wake' him so he's mostly just on stand by.) Then you went to bed.

-

Your cosey bliss was interrupted by Sebastian turning on your personal intercom, a tiny red light flashing with a constant beep meaning that he wants to talk to you. You would ignore him, but he had installed the beeping for that exact reason. 

You growl under your breath before smashing the small button that allows audio to come through and go out. " _Whaaaat?_ " You whine. 

"Breakfast, Mistress." Again, you can hear the smirk in his voice. 

You blow a raspberry in the direction of the intercom and then roll over to face the opposite direction. "Not hungry."

You hear a sigh and then a sizzle. "But I've made your favorite; strawberry pancakes." That makes you pause and he knows it. "And you know it's not as good cold, Mistress." 

You scowl as you turn and stare up at the ceiling. It's not like you adore sleep. In fact, you've spent many a night staying up late to read, draw, play a video game, or just spend time talking to Sebastian. (Even though he's constantly telling you to get a good night's rest.) No, you're just _really_ lazy. At that thought, a slow smile stretches across your face. Quickly, you make a small portal to your right to show Sebastian in the kitchen, and then another one right up under the pancake that he's flipping at the moment. 

Seb just pauses and blinks in irritation at the empty skillet. "Mistress, you _do_ realize-"

Your yelp cuts him off when the pancake lands into your ready hands, burning them from being on the skillet just a second ago. "Ow, ow, ow!" You toss the pancake from one hand to the other, then taking a quick bite. Sebastian makes the best food, but you can barely taste it when it burns your mouth as well. "Shit!"

"-that a pancake that was _just_ on a hot pan would be hot as well?" You don't even need the portal to know that the smug shit was raising his eyebrow. You bet it's his right one too... You peek at the portal. Yep. 

"You know what, Sebastian? Fuck you."

"Is that a request Mistress?"

"Grrrrrrrrrr..."

"Oh my, I never thought that you would want to role play. As wild animals no less. Should I start running?"

"Sebastian! I swear to god if you don't shut up, I'll bind your mouth shut!"

"If you're kinky enough for bondage then surely you'd be fine with role playing, Mistress."

"What the- why are you so fixated on role playing!?"

"Role playing is healthy for the mind and soul. It allows you to release tension and pretend to be a different entity entirely."

"We do that already! We're antiheroes!"

"Ah, but there is always that little bit of danger that lurks right around the corner. As exciting as being antiheroes might be, there's still some sort of tension."

"Oh sure, there's so much tension in bleeding everywhere from a million cuts whilst laying on the ground."

"Ah."

"What do you mean by that!?"

"Mistress, you have my deepest apologies."

"Oh, so you've finally admit that-"

"You've wanted to participate in blood play this whole time, didn't you?"

"Wait what!? No-!"

"Relax Mistress, you already know that I am skilled with any sharp object. So, there's no need to fear-"

"That's not-! Would you just-! ARGH!!"

You landed on the chair across from Sebastian at the table two seconds later via portal with your face doing it's best impression of a tomato. You peeked up through your cyan bangs to see Sebastian wielding the tiniest of smirks on his face. He just loves to rile you up doesn't he? 

You snatch up your fork and knife with a sour expression on your face. "Do you always have to say those kinds of things _just_ to get me out of bed?"

Sebastian pretends to look distraught but fails horribly because he didn't even change his facial expression, he just raised his arm in a 'swoon' position. "Egad, thine Mistress be privy to thy schemes. There be no foolen her now."

You gape at him, almost choking on the bite of pancake that was in your mouth. "What the hell- you're mixing two different kinds of speech!"

Sebastian puts his arm down and then checks on something on his phone. "Oops."

"Don't you 'oops' me! You always do things on purpose!" You brandish your fork at him like it was a pitchfork. 

He just gave you a knowing look and stood up. He walked over to you while taking out his handkerchief and dabs at your lips to catch any stray droplets of syrup before gently pulling you out of your chair. "Come along Mistress, it seems like Mr. Wayne wants to talk business."

"Bruce? But I thought that he wanted me to come to his fancy party this afternoon? And I'm not done with my pan-" You turn to look at your plate only to find it empty. "Damn it Seb! You distracted me so that I'd eat faster, didn't you!?" (When the food was good and you were hungry, you could eat like there's no tomorrow. Plus, you never gain a pound because of your high metabolism.)

He just shrugs while nudging you up the stairs toward your bedroom. "If I didn't then you would have taken your time and then you would have been late."

You have nothing to say to that so you sulk as you're led into your room, into the shower, shooing Sebastian out of said shower, getting dressed, and opening up a portal to Wayne Enterprises' parking lot, still sulking. But you have to fix your face into neutral when both you and Sebastian step through the portal. Good public image and all that jazz.

As you and Sebastian walk the rest of the way to the front doors, you take note of the superb security. Guards everywhere, enough security cameras for a government building, and secret passageways. (You saw the secret passageways on the blueprints to his building and mansion on Batman's computer when he was doing maintenance last night. Or, Seb did and he told you about them later. Screenshots and everything.) It would be fun to try and break into here, but you're trying to be nice for now.

When you get in you walk into the lobby, wanting to ignore the woman at the front counter and head straight for the elevator, but apparently, you have to stop and tell her why you're here unless you want to be stopped by security. (Although, by the looks on the guard's faces, they'd just love to get a chance to frisk you. Pigs.) 

You gave a barely there sigh of irritation and head to the rather bored looking woman at the front counter. You stop and smile. "Hello, I'm here to see Mr. Wayne."

The lady doesn't even look up. "I'm sorry, but Mr. Wayne doesn't have any appointments today."

Your smile starts to fall. "Excuse me, but you didn't even check." 

The lady, her name tag reads: Debbie Clarkson, (more like Debbitch) rolls her eyes and looks up from a game on her phone but freezes when she sees exactly who you are. "O-oh! Ms. Pompeii! I didn't-! I'm so sorry, let me check his schedule for you!" You blankly stare at her as she quickly types on the keyboard. Sebastian just keeps vigil while you two stand there. "A-alright! Here it is! Mr. Wayne is expecting you on the thirteenth floor in his office. Would you like a guide?" 

Debbitch winces at the flat look that you give her before you turn around and strut to the elevator with Sebastian in tow. "No thank you." You're _totally_ going to get her fired.

Once the elevator doors close, you groan and lean back into Sebastian's chest. " _This_ is why I hate dealing with underlies! If they get any sort of special treatment, and that means whenever Bruce flirts with them, then they feel entitled to treat everyone else like they're better then them, when they're not!"

Your angry gesturing almost hits Sebastian in the face before he moves out of the way. "Well not everyone is as privileged as you, Mistress. And we're here." Right then, the elevator dings and the doors open to reveal a busy office environment. 

You huff and compose yourself right before everyone in view of the elevator turns to gawk at the two of you. (They're gawking at you because you're drop dead gorgeous and practically a celebrity, and they're staring at Seb because he's hot. Well, they can look all they want, but they can't have him!) As you stride past them, you hear their whispers and mumbled comments. 

"It's Alexandria Pompeii and her infamous bodyguard!"

"Did you know that Alexandria is one of the most sought out artists these days?"

"Her butler is said to have a whole harem of girls to pleasure him!"

"People say that Ms. Pompeii was in a chemical accident and her hair is now permanently blue!"

"I heard that people call him Sebastian the Sexy!"

"She can paint me anytime."

"Should I ask if I can get a picture?"

"I love the color of their eyes!"

Once you get to Mr. Wayne's office, the voices die down and his personal secretary catches sight of the two of you, the woman stares at you two for a moment before startling and picking up the phone infront of her to call her boss. After a second she looks up at the two of you and nods you in. As you walk past her, you see in the reflection of a silver vase the image of her bending over to catch sight of Sebastian's ass. You stop, enraged, but Sebastian doesn't even bat an eye and places a strong hand to your lower back to steer you away before you send the woman into the Bermuda Triangle. 

Sebastian holds the office door open for you and closes it after the two of you are inside. Bruce Wayne himself looks up from pointing at something on his laptop to a black man standing at his shoulder. "Oh, there you are! I hope I haven't kept a beautiful woman such as yourself waiting long I hope?" He stands up and smiles as he grabs your hand to place a gentlemanly kiss to the back of it.

You smile back and allow him to do so, slightly nudging Seb in the stomach when he rumbles out a displeased growl. Who wants to role play now, huh? "Not too long if you ignore the fact that the woman at the front desk, Debbit- Debbie or something, didn't check her computer or look up before trying to send me away."

Bruce has a look on his face like he knew this might happen. "Ah, yes. Debbie Clarkson. I'll go talk to her as soon as possible and you have my deepest apologies for having to deal with that. For right now, however, I would like to introduce you to the newly appointed CEO of the company, Lucius Fox. Lucius, this is Alexandria Pompeii and her bodyguard. She's the one who bought my zoo off of 31st Street. She's also the leading artist of this day and age."

Lucius Fox smiles at you benignly and kisses your hand as well. Seb doesn't like that either but luckily, no one else can hear his grumbles. "That is very impressive Ms. Pompeii. It's an honor to meet you."

Bruce grins and walks over to his computer to click a few things before a projector turns on and shows Bruce clicking through a gallery of some building. "The reason that I called you here is because of this. I'm about to open up my new art museum, the party tonight is for the grand opening and I would like to ask if you would like to sell a few pieces of your artwork for display?"

How interesting. While you don't like giving away your precious masterpieces, you do want to keep the best image of yourself for public scrutiny. If you do this, then you'd gain even more popularity. "How much would you be willing to spend for one of my paintings?"

Bruce looks at Lucius and then answers. "Half a million."

You pretend to think about it some more before nodding. "Alright. I'll give you five of my best works. Sebastian here will make sure it gets to the museum on time."

Bruce beams at you and shakes your hand while Lucius goes to get some papers for you to sign. "Thank you, now all that needs to be done now is for you to sign these and you're free to go!"

You smile and nod, allowing Sebastian to read the papers over before jerking his head once to show that the paper's legit. You quietly thank him for more than just that (for controlling himself and not pummeling the two men in the room) and sign the documents. 

After all is said and done, Bruce kisses your hands again as you stand by the door. "It was a pleasure doing business with you. I look forward to seeing you at the grand opening tonight, special guests come at seven thirty."

You show your gratitude before slipping through the door with Sebastian on your heels. You retrace your steps all the way to the elevator and through the lobby. When you pass the front counter, you catch sight of Debbitch stammering in a panicking tone into the phone looking close to tears. You catch her eye as you smirk and glide through the front doors that Sebastian holds open for you. 

Today was a good day.

[TBC...]


	3. Ball Gowns and Tapestries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As some of you have probably figured out, I've recently seen Suicide Squad and I absolutely LOVED IT!!! So, I'm going to slide this story into the Skwad universe and this Joker is now the Jared Leto Joker because he's fucking hot, alright? Great! Enjoy!

Joker was finishing up some paperwork when Frost knocked before opening his office door. "We've found her sir, she's walking out of a coffee shop. Would you like us to pick her up for you?"

The tattooed clown smiled in glee, showing off his silver teeth, and put his pen down. "Yes, that would be... _perfect!_ "

-

You see all of this when you peek at your portal window. (You've got a miniature version that is about the size of a watch screen that floats above the base of your glove. Makes it easier for you to use it in public.) "Hm... Looks like we'll get some company soon, but I have no time to entertain Joker right now, we have to get ready for the party!" 

You and Sebastian had decided to dress up and cause mischief for a few hours while waiting for seven thirty. Getting thirsty, you both had stopped to get coffee and just as you were exiting Starbucks, Sebastian spotted a thug looking at you and talking into a phone. You then saw the interaction between Joker and what you guessed was his right hand man. On any other occasion you would play along, but you actually wanted to go to this party, so, you'll just have to make it up to him later. 

For now, it's time to skedaddle! (You caught sight of eight thugs that were heading right for you.)

You look right at them before blowing them a kiss and hopping through a portal that'll lead you and Seb back to the mansion. Looking back through the portal, you see the thugs panic and start running, but the portal closes right before they can reach it.

You chuckle before sipping your overly sweet pumpkin spice latte. "As fun as letting them catch us, we really need to get dressed," You grab Sebastian's wrist to look at his golden Rolex watch while being careful not to spill his plain black coffee. "it's almost six fifty so let's go, go, go!"

Sebastian just rolls his eyes and keeps silent as he helps you shed your Painted Mage attire before shedding his own. (You both finish your coffee soon afterward.)

Once the both of you have undressed, it didn't take too long for the showers to be finished and the formal wear to be put on. Again, Sebastian helps you get your black silk gown on and helps you zip up the back. It was a elaborately beaded crystal strapped Billowy Tulle Ball Gown from Mori Lee. You loved to twirl and watch the skirt fly around you. You wore a blue diamond choker with matching bracelets and earrings with it. 

To match you, Sebastian wore a full black tailored suit with a vest and blue diamond cuff links and a matching blue tie. He also had a little blue handkerchief in his breast pocket.

You put on smokey black eye shadow and eye liner, which brought out your violet eyes. You put on matte maroon lipstick and sprayed yourself with a fruity smelling perfume while bugging Seb to put on some cologne. He wouldn't if you didn't bug him about it. He just didn't see the point...

Now that both of you were finally ready, you needed some form of transportation since there'll be valets and it'd seem a tad bit suspicious for a famous rich person _not_ to have a fancy carriage to arrive in. So, you and Sebastian head to floor B3 and take one of the cars parked there. (You decided to take the deep red impala.)

-

His men shifted and looked at each other nervously as he slowly stood up. "What... did you say?"

One of the thugs that was assigned to go fetch you gulped before talking in a shaky voice. "S-she got away. We c-couldn't get to her o-on time. I-I-I'm sorry Mister J!"

Joker slowly turned to look at the thug with a sneer on his face. "'I'm sorry Mister J'? 'I'm sowy Mistah J'!? Well, is 'sorry' going to GET. HER. BACK!? NO!? THEN WHAT USE DO YOU SERVE!?!?" And with that, he shot the stammering thug in the head, splattering his blood and brain matter across the other terrified men in the room. Joker huffs out a breath as he fixes his hair before glancing at the rest of the thugs around him. "Well? What are the rest of you standing around for!? Get ready, we're heading out in ten!"

The green haired man grumbles as he heads off to get ready himself. He stops and snaps his fingers and points at the fallen thug's body as he looks at one of the men in the room before continuing to get ready. "Always gotta do the hard work myself..." He holds up a golden pistol and puts it in one of his shoulder holsters. "Useless, the lot of 'em." He grabs an AK 47 and slings it across his shoulder by the strap. "But not Painted Mage, oh no... she's... _perfect_..." 

He then picked up a small sapphire fox plushie with it's price tag still attached. It was a key chain accessory that he had got as a little present for the antihero to help persuade her to come with him. He attaches it to the strap on the AK 47 for safe keeping before heading outside and into the van already containing twenty thugs. As soon as he is inside, one thug shuts the door as the driver takes the van out of the hidden garage. 

After about thirty minutes of cruising around town, Joker was getting more and more agitated. 

He didn't see her anywhere!

Right as he was ready to start killing off his employees in a fit of frustration, he saw bright lights coming from a building across the street. Above the front door was a white banner with golden lettering that read: Welcome to the grand opening of the Gotham Art Museum!

Ah, this was just the thing! Since it would be rather counter productive to kill off all of his present employees, he'll just crash a fancy party instead!

-

Sebastian drives the both of you to the address that Bruce had texted to you earlier that day. (He had asked for your number before you had left his office.) 

Parking at the front of the building, Seb gets out and quickly walks around the car to get your door for you. You thank him and loop your arm in his as he gives the keys to the waiting valet. 

As you walk by the valet, you give him a cheerful smile. "Scratch it and you die." You say in a perky voice while tilting your head to the side and still walking forward. The valet pales and gulps nervously before hurrying over to your car and (super) carefully driving away.

Walking in, you smile appreciatively at all of the effort Bruce must have put into this event. There were tons of people present admiring the white marble floors with pillars and gold lining everywhere. All of the different artwork, pottery, inventions, and statues actually looked good! (Unlike some shitty mindless blobs on canvas like someone you knew...)

"Oh, Sebby look! The refreshment stand looks beautiful!" You squeal and tug on Sebastian's arm as you point at said area. The table was filled with artfully arranged finger foods and beverages. The tablecloth was white with a golden leaf and vine pattern.

Seb obliges you and looks at where you're pointing and nods appreciatively. "Quite. But I know that you could have done a _much_ better job, Mistress."

You blush and shove him slightly. (You couldn't move him if he didn't want to anyway... Unless you told him to.) "Flatterer... Ah, there's Bruce now! Let's go, he's waving us over."

Sebastian follows you and you glide across the marble floors over to Bruce who was standing with Lucius and a third man with blond hair. 

Bruce beams at you and takes your hand before kissing your cheek. Sebastian's hand on your arm tightens slightly. "Ms. Alexandria! I'm so glad that you made it! You've already met Lucius, but this here is Harvey Dent. Harvey, this is Alexandria Pompeii. She's the one who donated your favorite pieces of art over there."

You smile at them as you surreptitiously pat Sebastian's arm to get him calm once more before extending your hand to shake Harvey's. "A pleasure I'm sure."

Harvey nods and gestures with his half full glass of champagne toward your various pieces of artwork that you had just sold earlier today. "It is a pleasure! I was just telling Mr. Wayne here that I considered these paintings the best out of the whole museum. There's just this one thing..."

Bruce smiles apologetically at you while trying to wave what Harvey say away. "Now, now, Harvey's just kidding-"

You laugh and pat Bruce on the head which causes him to shut up immediately, blinking in surprise. "It's quite alright! Now, Harvey was it? What were you saying about my artwork?"

He shrugs and smiles apologetically at you as well for his own crassness. "Not to be rude or anything, but they just seem... unfinished."

You giggle behind your hand, hiding your smirk. "Well. That's just my... personal signature. Tell me, do you want the picture to be finished?"

Harvey pretends to think about it for a moment before nodding. "Yes, I believe I would."

You smirk and flick a dainty hand at him. "There you go! It's supposed to make you yearn for _more_. If you _want_ more, then you'll _need_ more, and if you _need_ more, then you'll _get_ more. And then the whole cycle starts all over again. Shhh! It's my secret technique! Don't tell anyone!"

Everyone chuckles at that. (The actual reason is that if you actually finish the pictures and sculptures then they'll come to life. Sure, you can order them to keep still, but that seems a bit cruel and you like to make sure that you treat your precious pieces of art the best you can.)

Bruce places a hand on your shoulder to try and lead you farther down the hallway but before he can, Sebastian freezes and clutches you to his chest. Trusting him to know what he's doing, you let yourself be maneuvered behind a red velvet curtain while ignoring Bruce's confused questions with a apologetic grimace on your face. Lucius and Harvey didn't notice as they had already moved in a different direction.

Even though Bruce didn't know what was going on, he stuck with the two of you and went behind the curtain as well. The small space causes you and Bruce to be squished together. Sebastian didn't like that and squeezed in between the two of you.

Right at that moment, the sound of gunfire and shouting reaches your and Bruce's normal hearing. 

Another moment revealed the perpetrators. 

It was the Joker in his crazed (armed) glory.

The green haired clown cackled and shot down some random bystanders that ran past him. Bruce's face darkened as he excused himself and darted out from behind the curtain to dash down a hallway and disappear. 

Well, that just made getting out of here easier, cause you had a feeling exactly why J was here...

You double check to make sure that no one was watching before raising a hand to summon a portal, but before you could, the Joker began speaking. "I bet you all are wondering why I'm here... Well the reason is this; There is none! Things weren't going my way so I... Just... _Lost it._ " Then he began to cackle.

What a damn shame, it was a really nice party too! You had liked the building as well, but you weren't about to get involved. You weren't quite sure just how the Joker was going to react, so you decided to play it safe and leave.

You're about to leave again, but then Batman decides to drop in and the Joker seems to be delighted by this, if only to have a challenging opponent to take his frustrations out on. Which then led to some bullets grazing one of your paintings.

Time seemed to stop.

_Oh, HELL no!_

No one messes with your art! You worked so hard on it!!!

Sebastian just looks resigned to all of this as you snatch up his hand to yank him through your hastily made portal to hurry into your costumes. Once you were done, you pushed Sebastian back through the same portal that hadn't even disappeared yet and marched on past the quivering bystanders and the shocked thugs over to the fighting pair in the middle of the room. 

You create a portal below each of them which causes them to disappear and reappear a couple of feet back away from the other, confused and breathing heavily. 

When they catch sight of you, Joker visibly brightens while Batman huffs and looks away. He skips over to you and tackles you into a hug. Wait, was he _purring_!? Sebastian and Batman take a tension filled step forward, but you wave them both away before gripping Joker by his shoulders and push his back far enough to look into his face clearly. "Joker." You say sternly.

Joker blinks and grins at you. "Yes doll?"

You thip him in the forehead and point an angry finger at your paintings. "STOP SHOOTING UP MY FRIEND'S PAINTINGS!!!"

J looks a bit shocked at being thipped and shouted at point blank, but shakes it off to smile at you once more. "Sure thing! Here, peace offering!" He then unhooks the small sapphire fox plushie from the strap of his AK 47 and hands it to you. 

Damn it... You utterly adored the thing! It was so cute! And you loved foxes!

Even though you tried to hide your twinkling eyes, J still saw it and beamed at you. Bats rolled his eyes while Seb just sighed. 

Joker clapped his hands together and rubbed them against each other. "Well! I'm sure you know why I was so frustrated in the first place! You're a pretty hard gal to find missy!"

You scoff and cross your arms while cocking your hip to the side. "I was busy you know! Any other time I would have loved to hang out, but when I'm busy, I'M BUSY!"

You'll admit it, you were still slightly mad about your ruined painting.

As the two of you were talking, Batman had decided to be productive and started to incapacitate Joker's thugs and usher the scared party goers out of the building. When he was out of hearing range, J slung an arm around your shoulders. "Mage, you know that I want you for something, right?"

You squint your eyes at him. "...Yeah?"

Joker smirks and brings you closer, either not hearing the growl from behind the two of you or just ignoring it entirely. "I would like for you to help me with this insy, winsy, teeny, tiny, itty, bitty, little favor."

You have a bad feeling about this. "...And what's that?"

J steps back and throws his arms out wide. "Why, help me break into the Belle Reve Penitentiary of course!"

You look at him, deadpan. " _What?_ "

[TBC...]


	4. The Belle Reve Heist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo sorry for the long wait! I WAS going to update, but my family took me on a surprise vacation and we had to access to the internet sooo... But I'm back now and here's the next chapter so please enjoy!

You blink at Joker incomprehensibly for a few moments before speaking again. “ _You_ , want _me_ , to help you _break into the **Belle Reve Penitentiary**_!?”

Joker smiles at you and cups your masked face. “Yep! You see, I have someone in there that was taken from me and I want them back!”

You stare at him unsympathetically and cross your arms. “So you mean Harley Quinn?”

He beams at you and lets go of your face to spread his arms out wide. “Why of course! She was my world, until a certain masked goodie two shoes _bat_ swooped in and _stole_ her from me, and locked her up where I couldn't find her!” The clown has his silver teeth bared as he glares accusingly at Batman across the room but calms down after a moment. “But, I've finally found out where she's been taken and I need your help to get her back. Although, I may not need her now depending on how well you do, my dear.”

You squint your eyes at him as he leers at you. “You do know that you can’t buy me, right? Nor am I a prized show dog.”

Joker waves a hand at you and scoffs. “Bah! I’ll get you to change your mind, just you wait sweet cheeks!” 

Sebastian has just about had enough and takes a menacing step forward to set J straight, but you place your hand on his face and shove him away. "Even if I _do_ agree to help you, what's in it for me?"

Joker smiles wide at you and lifts a hand to play with a lock of your hastily dyed black hair. "See? That's why I like you, right to the point! Even with all of your... _layers_ , you're just so... _lovely_..." He just stands there, gazing at you whilst stroking your hair and murmuring 'lovely' over and over again. This is getting a bit creepy, even for you. He snaps out of it when you thip his forehead again. He twitches and glowers at you briefly before smiling once more. "Where was I? Oh yes! If you help me then I'll be willing to give you eight million dollars aaaand a free pass to all of my clubs. Drinks included."

You never were much for getting drunk in public, but who were you to turn down such a great offer? That's probably what J was thinking because of the self assured smirk on his face. You sigh heavily and uncross your arms as you look J right in the eyes. "No."

The smirk on his face drops faster than a fat man going after a dropped doughnut. (Yes you've tried it. Playing fetch with people is fun!) 

You keep it together for as long as you can before bursting into hysterics, accepting a handkerchief from Seb to blot your tearing eyes. "Ehehehe, you should have seen your FACE!!! Ah, yeah yeah, I'll help you. Should be fun!"

For a few seconds, it looks like you might need to portal you and Sebastian out of there, but then J just started to cackle and howl while slapping his knee, totally ignoring the disturbed Batman and terrified thugs in the background. "HA HA HAHAHAHA!!! You got me! Oh you got me so _gooooood_." He suddenly becomes serious and now there's a gun in his hand pointed at you. Sebastian is already infront of you and snatching the gun out of his hand when J speaks again. "But don't do that again." 

You raise an eyebrow at him. (Not that ANYONE can see this. It's a habit...) Then a grin slithers across his face. "Because I may do something unforgivable. And I often do unforgivable things willy nilly... Now that that's out of the way, here's what I want you to do-..."

He then proceeded to explain to you that the Belle Reve Federal Penitentiary is a special prison for metahumans and other supervillains. It is located in Terrebonne Parish, Louisiana. It is near the Gulf of Mexico, and is surrounded by miles of swamp land. Being the prison for many supervillains, it was chosen by Amanda Waller as the headquarters of the Suicide Squad. Criminals can reduce their sentences by working on the missions. Some of the more untrustworthy ones are required to carry devices that will cause maiming or death if they try to escape. He explained that he has already taken care of the devices and that all he needs done is for you to get them past most of the outer security. Once you're inside, he'll just kill anyone who gets in his way, get Harley and get out.

Everything was hashed out by the time Batman was back to attempt to bring in Joker and get more info out of you and Seb, but you shrug apologetically and step backwards, the others following your lead. "Sorry Bats, but we've got a new job to do. Toodles!" Sebastian already knows this routine and wraps an arm around your waist while J quickly catches on and holds ontop your shoulders right before you tilt backwards and fall through your sneakily made portal behind you all and bringing your companions with you. Batman's eyes widen and and he attempts to use his grappling hook to bring you back, and it would have worked had you not have anticipated this and warped a portal infront of you to lead the grappling hook back around to catch Batman in his own trap instead. 

You giggle as your portal closes on the sight of Batman's shocked and outraged face. 

You all only fall for a second or two before you all land on the cushioned seats of Joker's parked van. Since you know exactly where you were landing, you land primly on the seat with your legs crossed. Seb (even more crossed because he had tried to push the Joker out of the portal halfheartedly but you had smacked his hand away again) lands a bit more roughly, but just as neatly as you. J however slams into the seat and bounces off to thump onto the floor and crashes into one of his escaped thug's legs and hastily put out arms in an attempt to catch him. 

He groans a bit before shoving his frantic thugs away and pops back up once more. "Whoo! What a wild ride! Could have landed a bit better..." You chortle as he steps over to sit on your other side and looks at the driver in the rear view mirror to flick his hand in a sign for them to move. He then turns to the man you remember from before. "Frost, get the helicopter ready, we're going to Louisiana!" Frost nods and takes out his phone to call those in charge of that. 

You let them drive you to the helicopter and you wait patiently for them to move all of their equipment into it before taking off. You look around at everyone and side-eye Sebastian. He just sighs and flicks a hand in a way that says, 'do what you must'. You quirk your lips and create a portal large enough to swallow the entire helicopter right infront of it without giving the pilot any time at all to try and get out of the way. You cackle (J joins in when he realizes what you're doing) as everyone panics as you all are transferred to Terrebonne Parish, Louisiana. 

Joker claps you on the shoulder as everyone winds down as they look around in confusion. "Well missy, I'm gonna have to bring you along on every trip I make don't I? It would cut down a lot of gas expenses!" He laughs while you roll your eyes with a somewhat reluctant smile on your face. 

Once you all get close to the Belle Reve, you land the helicopter a good distance away in order not to stir up any fuss. You hold out your hand for the Joker's incomplete blueprints of the large building (It looks more depressing than the Arkham Asylum. And what the hell is up with that logo? Till death do us part? That's just a hope killer) as the thugs unload the helicopter and arm themselves while eyeing you warily. J hands it over before arming himself as well. (Why is he getting dressed in a S.W.A.T. suit? A pair of thugs attempt to hand you and Seb a pair of suits as well, with your antihero names on them too, but you wave them away. Seb's bullet proof and he's your human shield sooo... at least Seb's looking a bit better, even though his facial expression never changed...) 

There's enough info for you to be able to make a portal in a hallway close to where you think the inmate cells are. You do so and even though most of the thugs seem reluctant, they clamber through when they see J and Frost stepping in after you. 

Almost immediately, there's gunfire heading straight for your group. Sebastian is a solid wall infront of you while you calmly take out your sketchbook and flip to the desired page. Everyone else raises their guns and shoots back but all of the gunfire stops when blue electricity crackles around the book and your hand as you swirl it over the book and jerk your hand upward. The guards can guess that what you're doing cannot be good and try to shoot you, but they only hit the tank of a man that Sebastian is and get shot at by Joker's thugs. 

J is enthralled when what look like papery looking lions float out of the page and twirl before unfolding, origami style, and smoothing out until they look like real lions. (They still have their papery coloring though.) Everyone pales (Except for Joker, his eyebrows just fly upward) when the five summoned lions roar in unison before lunging for the guard's throats. (They're huge as well, each lion is about as tall as Seb's shoulder.)

It isn't long before the gunfire stops and your white lions are now mostly red. And so are the walls and the floor... 

The thugs edge away from you, Seb, the your five bloody lions as you all walk past some empty cells, while J keeps on trying to pet one before jerking away and laughing at the last minute as it tries to nip at him. You shake your head at his shenanigans as you all come up to the first inhabited cell.

"Ay, ay, AY! You!" You glance around and point at yourself with a raised eyebrow while looking into a cell holding a black man in a orange jumpsuit. "Yeah, you! You look important, and I'm important too, so uh, you wouldn't mind getting me out of here would you?" You had almost forgotten that with Joker and the rest of the thugs all dressed up in S.W.A.T. uniforms, you and Seb are the only ones that stand out, but Seb was walking protectively in front of you so this guy must be pretty observant not to suggest that Sebastian was the one in charge. Not that you were either, but you do like boosting your ego sooo...

You cross your arms and cock your hip to the side. "I do huh? Well why should I get you out?" You ignore Joker's impatient grumblings. 

The man scratches his ear and rests against the white cell door while looking through the small window. His voice is muffled as he talks. "The name's Floyd Lawton, but people call me Deadshot. If you let me out, I'll owe you one."

You perk up. "Oooh! I've heard about you! You're the guy who never misses! Me and my partner here tried to find you, but you and a few others were nowhere to be seen. I guess that's because you all were here, huh?"

The man nods and straightens up. "Uh, heh, yeah... yeah, that sounds about right. So... are you-?"

"Hm? Oh! Yep, let me just- aha! There you go! Just step through." You jump and make a portal inside of Floyd's cell leading out to the hallway that you all were in. 

As the weary inmate cautiously begins to step through, mumbling something about 'not this freaky voodoo shit again', Joker grabs you by the arm and speaks quietly into your ear with a certain deadly calm. "Mage dear, we're here to pick up Harley, not some has-beens."

You let Sebastian take J's hand off of you before turning around and speaking to him directly. "Well, I like this 'has-been' so suck it up. We're still going to get your squeeze back, don't worry."

Joker pouts at you with discontent before snarling and ordering his men to keep going, momentarily leaving you, Seb, and Floyd to catch up. You walked back over to Floyd who was looking at your paper lions in alarm as they crowd around to sniff him. "Oh HELL no! Hey miss? Can you call off your bomb sniffing cats please? No offence, but I don't like dangerous things with big ass sharp teeth and claws getting too close to me..."

You chuckle before whistling, causing the lions to back off before you skip over to hook your arm with Deadshot's. "So! While we're looking for Harley, tell me about some of your favorite jobs."

Floyd looks at you strangely for a moment before acquiescing and begins telling you his favorite mercenary jobs. By the time you catch up with Joker and his group you hear someone banging on glass and yelling. "Oi! Floyd! Don't leave me here too! Help a brothah out!" 

You blink at the disgruntled and seemingly drunk Australian man through the small cell door window before looking back at a grimacing Floyd. "Friend of your's?"

He just shrugs at you. "Not particularly, but we've been through some stuff..."

You clap your hands and summon a portal at the same time. "Well then that settles it! Welcome to our boy (and one girl) band, Villains-R-Us-Except-For-Me-Cause-I'm-Just-An-Antihero!"

The man stumbles through the portal while patting himself down. After he's done with that he smiles at you appreciatively. "Thanks missy! I owe it to ya! I'm George Harkness but my special name is Captain Boomerang." He then does a double take. "And my oh my, aren't you ah beauty? But ay think that you'd look mach prettieh without that little mask on, eh?" He tries to slip a hand around you but freezes when Sebastian growls at him. "Nevah mind then..."

You giggle and tug Floyd after you as you catch up with J who's grinding his teeth at this point. "You guys are hysterical! So you were saying Floyd? What happened after you got the chicken to take the TNT?" Floyd goes back to his storytelling with Harkness uncertainly trailing after the three of you while Seb keeps a sharp eye on him.

As you all go up a flight of stairs, you run into another group of guards. Harkness ducks out of the way while Floyd snatches a gun from one of the thugs and shoots each and every guard in the head, killing them. You nod in approval at his shooting skills and even Sebastian and Joker look a little impressed. You continue onward until you walk past an office with a couple having an intimate moment. 

Not being able to help yourself, you bust open the door and exclaim out, "Hi there!" The woman screams and attempts to cover herself up while the man fumbles with his belt. You almost can't breathe with how hard you're laughing thus causing Sebastian to pat you on the back in an attempt to try and help you get some more air. 

Floyd facepalms before talking to the couple. (They had finally gotten redressed and were glaring at you but mostly at Harkness who was leering at them the whole time.) "What. The hell Flag? And you, June! I thought that you had more crass then to fuck whenever Flag flutters his eyelashes at you!"

The man, Flag, takes offence to that. "Shut it Floyd! And what are you two doing out of your cells? You do know that Waller will have _all_ of our heads if she catches you all out and about, right? Well, even if you don't, I'd suggest that you all should mosey on back before she does. For your own safety. Don't you remember how you all got punished the last time you all had tried to escape? Croc got out and Waller was pissed! And who are you?" Flag crosses his arms and looks between Sebastian and you after it became apparent that Floyd wasn't listening to him. 

He was clearly asking Seb that question, so he answers. "I am Ink and this is my Madam, the Painted Mage. You would do well to talk to her with the proper respect she deserves. _All_ of you." He narrows his eyes at Harkness when he says this. 

As Captain B. cowers under Sebastian's harsh stare, Floyd squints at Flag before tossing his arm around you this time and leading you out of the office. "Yeah, no. Bye Flag, stay classy June. Remember that you can always say no!" 

You chortle as June turns pink and covers her face while Flag huffs and puffs before following you all and whining about the rules and whatnot. "So, who was the bitchy dude and the blushing maiden?" You look up at Floyd and jerk your head in their direction. 

Floyd chuckles at that before replying. "That's Colonel Rick Flag and his girlfriend, Dr. June Moone. He's supposed to be our keeper for when we do field work and she, uh, well, she used to be possessed by this pissed ancient goddess named the Enchantress or whatever, but we destroyed it a few months back. Luckily, June was still alive."

"Ah. So are they going to pose as a problem orrrrrr?" You motion to one of your red stained lions who was looking at Rick who had just caught sight of it and the others and backed up into June who had been trailing behind him. 

Floyd shrugs and takes his arm from around you in order to lace his hands behind his head. "Dunno. But I guess we'll find out, huh? But I wouldn't worry too much about it. Flag's cool enough, I mean he was going to let all of us go, but then that bitch, Waller, came back and forced us to go back to the Penitentiary."

You hum and leave it at that. Rick and June don't stop following you however and this is all making the Joker begin to twitch. You wonder how long until he snaps? That should be fun!

You all _finally_ reach Harley's cell, which is different than all of the others. It was a barred cage in the middle of a guard infested room, which Floyd, your lions, Joker and his thugs took care of. You can see that Harley was startled and had spilled her coffee and dropped her book on the floor. 

You and the others stand back as J strides up to the cell door, saws off the lock (where in the fresh hell did that come from!?), and shoves it open. He then goes up to a slowly smiling Harley as he rips off his helmet and hums. She gasps and throws her arms around him. You pretend to gag, causing Floyd and Harkness to chuckle at you. "Puddin!"

Joker briefly hugs her back before pushing her away to grab her by the arm and tugging her out of the cell. "Let's go home." (You open up a small portal to reach through and get everyone's clothes and personal belongings and you hand them out to the inmates. Common courtesy, you know? You resist the urge to drop Harley's on the floor.)

You get ready to make a portal to Joker's hideout, but all of a sudden an alarm blares and guards come pouring out of everywhere. Amanda Waller herself stands at the top of the stairs with her teeth bared. "I wont let you escape! You can either die here or go back to your cells. What's it gonna be?" She holds up a small phone-like device which causes Floyd, Harkness, and Harley to flinch and lower their heads a bit. Joker just laughs and then takes something out of his pocket as well and presses a small button. 

From where you're standing, you can see the horror and shocked outrage as Harley's light goes dark. None of the others do. You whip your head around to glare at him. "J!" You snarl. Joker jumps and gives you an incredulous look but you just wave your arms at the other two inmates. "THEM TOO!!" And before Waller can detonate their implants, J sighs and presses two other buttons simultaneously. Your little outburst and Joker's reaction has Harley looking at you strangely. And so is Waller. Shit. "Time to go!" 

Just as you're summoning a portal, three guards try to tackle Sebastian, and he smacks them away, but that left an opening for Waller to snatch a gun from one of her guards and aim it at you. Seb sees this and shoots Waller straight through the head, but not before you feel white hot pain surge through your abdomen. "Madam!" "Doll!" Sebastian holds you up with one arm as he with J's help, frantically keeps the rest of the guards away from you. (You rarely ever get seriously hurt and most of the times you do are just accidents, so whenever it does happen, Sebastian always gets a bit out of sorts.) Your lions go berserk and attack any and everyone. This causes the inmates, Rick, June, Joker and his team to stumble back and away from the large cats and fall backwards into your wavering portal. Sebastian throws himself backwards into it with you in his arms, leaving the lions to keep the guards at bay. 

You land kind of roughly which causes you to cry out in pain and for the portal behind you all to close. Sebastian hushes you gently and strokes your hair. He then looks around to assess where you all have ended up. You all were in some sort of alien bunker. Floyd clears his throat and looks at you. "Excuse me, but um... where the hell are we?"

Sebastian glares at him which causes Floyd to raise his hands in a peaceful gesture, but before anything can be said, a voice speaks up from behind the group. 

"You're in my home, and how did you get here?" Everyone either jumps and spins around or just whip around with widened eyes. 

There hovering above you, is Superman himself. 

Things just keep on getting better and better doesn't it? This also happens to be your last coherent thought before you pass out.

[TBC...]


	5. The Lair Of The Man Of Steel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so terribly sorry for the super long delay! RL kicked my ass bad, but I'm back! So enjoy this long overdue chapter!

You wake up to a nose blocking your vision. "What the..."

Sebastian leans even closer, almost stabbing you in the eye with his nose. "Mistress-!"

Everything comes flooding back. "Se- INK!" You chastise him sharply even though you had almost slipped up as well.

Sebastian catches himself, but luckily the only one in the strange clinical room with the two of you was J and he seemed to be asleep in a chair a few feet away. "Apologies, Madam. Are you feeling well? I hope you find my stitches and bindings adequate. You may be a bit light headed for a moment, but I couldn't get ahold of any changelings with your blood type."

His comment caused you to glance down at your bandaged abdomen. You were topless but Sebastian had helpfully wrapped the gauze around your chest as well. The area where you were shot at was stained with dark purple blood. Since the fae have blue blood (which tastes sweet and mixed with a cool, menthol flavor if they're the unseelie fae, but if they're the seelie fae their blood tastes sweet with a hot and spicy taste. Don't ask, you were curious.) and humans have red blood, your's, and other hybrids/halflings/changelings have purple blood. Which either tastes sweet and salty with a hint of copper and menthol, or spicy depending on their fae lineage. For you, it was the cooling menthol flavor. 

As usual, Sebastian did a wonderful job of taking care of you, but right as you were about to tell him so, Joker started to stir. 

He grunted and snapped his eyes open before swiftly scanning the room, freezing when he noticed that you were awake. "Ah, Paige. You're awake."

You share a look with Seb before looking back at an approaching Joker. "Paige?"

He smirks at you and leans his hip against the table that you were on. "Well, 'the Painted Mage' is a bit of a mouthful, so I combined the two. A _lovely_ name for a _lovely lady_."

You roll your eyes while trying to fight a smile. "But you can't even see my face!" 

Joker looks at you quizzingly. "There are more things about you that are lovely then just your face, which I can guarantee is lovely as well."

You're taken aback but deeply flattered. "Oh... Well, that's so sweet-"

You're interrupted by Floyd, Harkness, Flag, Harley, and June stumbling into the room and landing on the floor in a jumbled heap. An unidentifiable object zooms past the doorway and you can hear it clang into the wall and then farther away. Floyd groans as he gets up and smacks Harkness across the back of his head. "Dumb ass! Didn't your mother ever teach you not to touch weird and deadly looking alien technology!?" 

The Captain grumbled as he rubbed the now sore spot as he got up as well. "No. No she didn't." 

Floyd huffs at his sarcasm and turns to look at you, Seb, and Joker. "Oh hey, you're awake! Then that means that we can finally leave. I swear that spandex wearing poster boy can just _smell_ the evil on-"

He gets cut off by you pinching his lips shut via your hand through a small portal. He jumps and jerks away while scowling. "Hush! You DO know that said poster boy can hear practically anything within a hundred mile radius or more right?"

Floyd cleared his throat and straightened up his jacket. "Uh, no, no I think I forgot that part. Thanks for that. Really." He mutters as he wanders over to Joker's vacated seat and flops into it.

Harley skips over to drape herself against Joker, who glowers at her but doesn't move. "It's not gonna matter too much before long really."

You're confused but Seb speaks up for the first time since J woke. "You mean Lois Lane."

She nods at him smugly. "That's right He-Man. As soon as our escape reaches Gotham News, she'll be scurrying over here to snitch!"

You sit up (slowly) and flap your hands in the air. "Wait, wait, wait. Why would Lois Lane know we're here?" At this, nearly everyone looked sheepish. (With the exception of Seb and J of course.) You squint at them shrewdly. "What did you do the-" You shoot an inquiring glance at Sebastian.

"Thirty six hours, madam."

You nod before going back to interrogating the group of major misfits. "-thirty six hours I was out?"

Flag stepped forward to explain. "You see, after you passed out, Ink told Superman that we were attacked by some bad people and that you were injured badly and needed a place to rest for awhile. After a minute he seemed to believe him and gave us a room to stay in while he took you and Ink to his infirmary, but Joker here didn't want to be left out and went with the two of you. Ink had told us to stay put, but this group is rather bad at doing that. About four hours of waiting, Harley and Harkness couldn't take it anymore and decided to go exploring and Floyd left because didn't want to be cooped up with me and June but I went to go stop them. Obviously I failed. And after twenty minutes of roaming around, we almost walked past a window that showed the outside, we're somewhere in the Arctic or something, and a few feet away we saw Lois Lane kissing on Superman and when Harkness tried to get a better look, he knocked over this pillar looking thing, causing Superman to turn around and glare at us. Lane looked up and saw us, but I don't think she realized who we are. At least who Floyd and I were because she would have noticed who the others were so I shoved everyone out of sight before she could but I don't think that we should stay for much longer. You know, just in case."

Harley scoffs and let's go of Joker to cross her arms under her chest. "Well, that's just it. I overheard Ms. News Lady tattling what she found out from the news a few minutes ago to Muscles." 

Nearly everyone in the room blanches at that. You grab ahold of Sebastian's shoulders when he immediately reaches for you. "And _why_ didn't you tell us sooner!? He could be on his way at this very moment to _arrest us_!!" As you're saying this, you're already creating a portal to take you all to your 'special guest quarters' in your mansion. 

At least Harley looks sheepish when everyone glares at her. "Well I didn't think it was that big of a deal, gosh..."

Joker rolls his eyes in disgust as he turns around and follows you through the portal followed by everyone else. You nearly jump out of your skin when you turn around to see Superman _right in front of_ your closing portal with a dark look on his face. (He probably wasn't very pleased by being deceived...) The only reason you and the others weren't incapacitated already is probably because of the fact that the portal was too small for him to go through, but that didn't stop him from trying to reach through. You hastily close the portal faster, but he grabs ahold of your jacket, ripping your sleeve clean off when the portal swallows his hand and with it, your jacket sleeve. 

Everyone stands there frozen solid as you have a quiet panic attack. Sebastian rubs your back and holds you closer, trying to help you breathe slower by taking exaggerated breaths. You get yourself composed quickly before speaking. "Hm. That happened. Let's just hope that he doesn't decide to come after us..." That causes everyone to pale a little.

You heal faster than the average human, but not as fast as Sebastian so that's why after around a day or two you're almost fully healed. But your abdomen is still a bit tender when you lightly pat Seb on the face to put you down. "As nice as it is for you to carry me around everywhere, I'm hungry and I'm sure everyone is as well."

Sebastian's eye twitches a bit. "But madam-"

You place your finger over his lips to shush him. "Ah, ah, ah! No buts! You know how fast I heal so stop whining."

Sebastian deeply frowns at you but loosens his grip a bit. "It matters not how fast you heal but the fact that you got injured at all... And the fact that I was not able to prevent it."

Ah. That was the issue. You smile at the one person that you were the closest to in the world and caress his face. "Oh Inky. You've done a fabulous job at taking care of me and protecting me. The only times I've ever gotten hurt were at my own fault. I should have realized that she'd show up at some point and make preparations, but what's done is done and you did your best and that's fine by me. Now, who's my guardian angel?" 

Sebastian shot a look at the curious others in the room before turning his gaze back to you. This was a thing that the two of you had created ever since you first made him years ago and it was practically sacred. He didn't like doing it infront of others, but you were tired, hungry, and most of all, filled with compassion for your oldest creation. You didn't feel like waiting. 

"...I am." He mumbles quietly.

You smile fondly at him and comb your hand through his raven locks. "And what do you do?"

He looked away and then back once more. "I protect my... madam... and... do so flawlessly. No matter what happens, I can't fail because..."

He looks down, but you gently bring his head back up with your finger to his chin. "Because what?"

He gives you a somewhat mournful look, but lets out a gusty sigh. "Because... you believe in me."

You feel a bit misty eyed and lift his mask up a bit to kiss him on his cheek. "That's right. My perfect guardian angel can do no wrong, not if I have anything to say about it." You stare into Sebastian's swirling golden eyes for a moment longer before tapping him on his shoulder, this time he puts you down immediately but as gently as can be. "So who's hungry?"

Every hand in the room went up. "Alrighty then, I don't feel like catering to everyone's pallets sooooo, does everyone like spaghetti and meatballs?"

Everyone looked around before nodding. 

You clap your hands together and turn around swiftly, wobbling as you do so but you're supported by Sebastian, and head out of the common room to the elevator before remembering something important and turn back around. "Oh! How rude of me. Welcome to my home! This is the common room and there are guest rooms down this hallway and some training rooms, an indoor pool and Jacuzzi, and a game room down this one. Please don't attempt to go any higher than floor B1. We are on B2 and I would prefer it if you didn't wander around B3. (Because you could touch something that could kill you.) But you are not banned from that floor. You are however banned from floors L1 and up, so please do not attempt to go to those floors. It would be best if we all lay low for awhile but the exit can be found on B3 past the vehicle room. Ciao, ciao all!"

At this you turn back around once more and walk into the held open elevator door and the press L2 button on the wall, waving when the doors close. As soon as they do, you huff out a sigh and flop against Sebastian's ready held arms. You allow your head to thud against his fit chest as you look up at him. "God, I'm so fucking tired... Let's get this done so that _I_ can go to bed and _you_ can hover around worrying no matter what I say because you. Are. A. Mother hen." You accentuate each word with a poke to his chest before strengthening up and walking away when the elevator stopped and the doors opened.

Sebastian rolls his eyes and follows you as you head into the kitchen. The next forty five minutes are of you and Seb making spaghetti and meatballs while joking around (mostly you) and drinking wine (both even though Seb can't get drunk). You're a bit tipsy when you totter into the common room on the arm of Sebastian and place the large tray of spaghetti and meatballs (mostly held up by Seb) onto the large table in the middle of the room infront of the long black couch that everyone was sitting on. 

Joker's eyebrows rise up when he sees the masterpiece infront of him. "Did you make this Doll? This looks like something this gourmet chef I once knew would make. You know, before I killed him for trying to poison me." 

You giggle a bit too loudly for the occasion and flap your hand at him in an airy manner. "Oh, no no! It's not poisoned, but I did make it!" Sebastian clears his throat behind you. You roll your eyes (and regret it afterward) and reiterate. "Well, I got some help from Mister over here." You feel like you're about to collapse any second now so you say your goodbyes to everyone and tell them to enjoy their meal.

After Sebastian helps you from the elevator and into your room, he gets you out of your bloody clothes and bandages in order to put on your night wear (you're too tired for a shower) and getting you into bed. Sebastian then goes to stand by your bedroom door in his usual place when he isn't busy for the night.

You're extremely tired but you toss and turn, unable to fall asleep. 

Seb tilts his head and gazes at you for a moment before speaking. "Would you like for me to give you a massage to help you relax, Mistress?"

You whine as you rub both of your hands over your face. "No, I don't feel like laying on my stomach just yet. Maybe I'll draw something to get my mind more relaxed. Perhaps that's the problem."

Sebastian goes over to your desk and takes out one of your pads and a pencil. "You will remember to leave the drawing unfinished, yes?"

You nod absently as you make grabby hands for the pad and pencil. "Yeah, yeah, just give it here."

He relinquishes your things to you and you begin to doodle, dozing off when you're almost finished but your hand accidentally finishes the last line, causing the paper to crackle with blue electricity and Sebastian to sigh in dismay.

[TBC...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BONUS:
> 
> You: So what did you do to get chased by that weird alien thing?
> 
> Harkness: Well Flag was-
> 
> Flag: Oh no, that was all on you bud.
> 
> Floyd: Hark thought that it was a good idea to touch these weird embryo looking things and this built in security system emerged from the ceiling and tried to kill us. So, logically, we ran like hell.
> 
> Sebastian: But it was everyone's fault for leaving the room that I had explicitly told you all not to leave. 
> 
> Harley: Eh, detail, details. We got bored! What'd you expect a bunch a criminals to do for entertainment? Kill ourselves?
> 
> Sebastian: That would have been a better option. 
> 
> You: Savage...
> 
> Joker: [Cackles] That would have been a delight to watch! Let's do it!
> 
> Flag: Please don't...
> 
>  
> 
> P. S. - My yearning for Sebandria (my official ship name for them) has been growing ever since the first chapter! I mean, this fic was originally meant to be a Reader/Joker pairing but I actually really want Alex and Seb to get together... So, how about a poll?
> 
> A. Stay on course: Alex/Joker
> 
> B. Do something wild!: Alex/Sebastian
> 
> C. Nobody gets left behind: Sebastian/Alex/Joker
> 
> (The third option will only have Alex dating both of them, not having a threeway. Obviously, Seb and Joker hate each other's guts.)


	6. I Got A Hangover, (Whoa!) I've Been Drinking Too Much For Sure...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! The results for last chapter's poll is... answer C.! 'Nobody gets left behind: Sebastian/Alex/Joker'! And let me just say that I am so excited! I was already hinting that they were close, but now I'll be bringing it up a notch! Enjoy!

You had the pleasure of waking up late on a week day for once. Unfortunately, you also woke up with a raging hangover.

Sebastian was already five steps ahead of you and was standing beside your bed with one hand outstretched and open with two Tylenol and the other held a full glass of water. You were slightly befuddled but decided not to comment on it and take your medicine, draining the glass as well. You were confused because, normally, Sebastian would tease, bug, and mess with you and basically make you miserable and regret ever drinking a drop of alcohol the whole day. Mostly because he always tells you not to overindulge because it's extremely unhealthy, but you don't listen sometimes. Usually when reality becomes too much or humanity was bordering on the imbecilic edge that day.

You hand the glass back to him as you push your covers off of your legs and unsteadily get up from the bed with Seb's help. He rips his eyes from your scantily clad body to look you in the eyes properly, but you don't notice because you're trying your hardest not to vomit all over him. "Would you like for me to carry you down the stairs Mistress?"

You think about it for a second before nodding and regretting it immediately. As you're groaning, Sebastian decides to take things into his own hands, literally, and picks you up gingerly and begins the trek out of your room, through the hall, down the stairs, past the foyer, through even more halls, and into the kitchen and sets you down on your favorite place at the table. 

In a rather rare show of affection, he smooths your vibrant hair away from your face and kisses the top of your head. As you blink up at him owlishly but smiling all the same, Sebastian looks at you for another moment before walking over to the fridge to open it and peruse it's contents. "What would you like for breakfast this morning Mistress? According to my research, chicken noodle soup and Gatorade would be best suited for post consumption of alcoholic beverages."

You gustily huff out a sigh as you roughly rub your face with both of your hands before flicking one of them in a 'go ahead' gesture. "Yeah. Yeah you can do that... Oh! And I'll need you to make the other's breakfast as well. God, I almost forgot about them..."

As he begins taking out the spaghetti from the pantry and a whole chicken out of the fridge, he looks over his shoulder at you. "Understood, Mistress. The same for them as well?" You give him a thumbs up while laying your forehead on the cool wooden table.

You don't move as Sebastian does his hardest not to make too much noise as he cooks and you're extremely appreciative of this. He makes the food at a fast pace but because of your accelerated healing, your headache and nausea started ebbing already. Not that you mind, you're ecstatic. 

Once the food is finally done, Sebastian scoops some soup into a bowl and places it infront of you along with some garlic bread and a glass full of watermelon flavored Gatorade. (You don't like Gatorade but Sebastian buys it for you to regain your energy and occasions such as this. And watermelon, mango, strawberry, blue raspberry, and peach are your favorite flavors for practically anything.) He makes sure that the rest of the soup stays warm for the others before going to stand behind you, placing his hands on your head and begins to massage it. 

Your eyes nearly roll into the back of your head at how heavenly it feels but you do have a question. "Mmmh, uh Seb?"

"Yes Mistress?"

You're hungry so you take a bite and almost moan again. Sebastian can cook like a god. "Aren't we going to go and eat with the others? Not to mention that they need their food..."

Sebastian soothingly runs one hand through your thick hair and lightly scratches your scalp. You shiver. "Worry not Mistress, just sit here and relax. Your guests will get their breakfast and our company after you have been seen to. I wouldn't have it any other way."

You wrinkle your button nose at the thought of being a bad host before shrugging. At the moment, with Sebastian's magical fingers and his heavenly food, you couldn't care less.

After you've finished your meal and your hangover is well and truly gone, you hand your dishes to Sebastian and raise up on your tippy toes to kiss him on the cheek. "Thank you for the royal treatment Sebby."

Sebastian turns fully to you and actually gives you a fond smile back. He leans forward to kiss your cheek as well and speaks while his lips were still touching you. "Nothing you don't deserve, my Mistress." 

You blink up at him before clearing your throat and turning around, trying to distract yourself from your fluttering heart. "W-well then! Let's get the other's breakfast before they starve and die. _That'd_ be a mess that I don't want to clean up..." 

Seb nods and helps you set up everyone else's bowls of food and follows you to the elevator. Once you're in, you press B2 which causes Sebastian to speak up. "Mistress?" You look over at him and raise your eyebrows. He nods at your face since both of his hands were holding the large tray filled with chicken noodle soup and Gatorade. "Our disguises?"

You stare at him and your eyes slowly widen as you realize that you're heading to see the others without your costumes on. "Oh _shit_."

Sebastian frowns at your worried face. "Would you like for me to push the emergency stop?"

You're tempted, but that would just create an unnecessary panic. "No, no don't do that. No one should be up because of their hangovers, so we'll just sneak in there, place the food at the table and then head down to B3 to get our spare outfits and come back up. Easy."

"Are you certain this will work, Mistress?" Sebastian looks skeptical. 

You pat his shoulder to help reassure him. "Don't worry my dear companion, I know what I'm doing!" Right as you say this, the elevator doors open, revealing grumpy, hungry, and hungover villains who immediately turn to glare at the elevator. You squeak and hide behind a grimacing Sebastian. "I don't know what I'm doing..." You murmur mournfully.

"Yes well, what should we do now Mistress?" You feel the rumble of his voice from where you're pressed against his back. 

You peek past Seb's arm to see the shocked and/or excited looks on the other's faces. "Well, ah, let's um-"

"Krike! That Paige? I told ya you she was a beauty!" Harkness was straining to try and get a better look at you. 

The others seemed to realize just who you were. Floyd slowly sat up. "Alexandria Pompeii, the greatest and wealthiest artist alive. Did you know that I had over a thousand requests for your death? I could never seem to kill you, something always went wrong. I now can see why and... I'm glad I didn't." He then nods at you and leans back once more with his hands behind his head.

Flag and June nodded along. "Yep. You're an alright gal. It doesn't matter who you are, you helped us out so we owe you."

Joker just smirks at you and tips an imaginary hat. "I... _love_ the hair. Much better than black." He side-eyes Seb's hair, causing him to growl at him.

Harley was less impressed. "Why is her hair blue?"

This causes you to step away from an irritated Sebastian in outrage. "Well you're one to talk, you have pink _and_ blue hair! And you!" You thrust your finger into Hark's face, who had been creeping closer, making him flinch back. "Thank you for your kind complements but don't be creepy about it!"

Hark hangs his head and shuffles away. "Okay..."

You huff and place your hands on your hips, trying not to show just how uneasy you were. "Alright, so since you all know my secret identity now, don't you dare go around blabbing it to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Got it? Because if you _do_ -" You point at Sebastian who flexes his impressive muscles and cracks his knuckles at the same time. (You find this pretty funny because Seb hates doing that because it's 'brutish and unseemly'.) "-you'll have to deal with him."

At least they looked pretty cowed at that because of what they've seen him do. The only one that wasn't was Joker as he prowled over to you to take your hand in his and kisses it. "No problemo, mon sheri! Your secret is safe with me!" J purrs over your hand. You have no idea how he can be goofy and charming at the same time, but you love it. 

As you giggle, Sebastian and Harley fume while looking at the pair of you. Seb takes a threatening step forward but Harley's the one that beats him to it. "Alright I've have enough! You've been all ovah Mistah J evah since the Belle Reve and I'm sick of it! Get ya own Puddin!" 

Harley stomps over and tries to yank Joker away from you but J scowls and yanks his arm back. "Harley! You know better than to-!"

Harley stamps her foot and grabs her pig tails. "I DON'T CARE! I haven't seen you in a YEAR! I thought you were DEAD! Last night, I got one of those pregnancy tester thingies and it said that I WAS! HOW am I supposed ta raise a baby without a father figah!?"

Everyone pauses at that. Harley and Joker seem to realize what she said at the same time. Harley paled and J got angry. " _WHAT!?_ Here you are critisizing _me_ for getting to know the lady that _helped save your sorry ass_ and you went and got _knocked up_ by _someone else_ because _I can't_!?!?" He seethed. No one saw Floyd's eyes widen in realization and then change to pleasure and then to wariness. You could tell where this was going.

"N-no, wait Puddin, I-I didn't-!" Harley whimpers and reaches for him as she tries to salvage the situation but Joker just snarls at her and reaches for his gun.

Floyd stands up and takes a step in their direction. "Whoa man, hey! Take it easy! We didn't know that one night was going to result in something like this-! HEY!" He gets cut off by Joker whipping his gun out and shooting at Floyd, but he dodges just in the nick of time, putting a hole in the wall instead of Deadshot.

"PUDDIN!" Harley screams as she holds her hands to her mouth in horror.

Joker just ignores her as he snarls in displeasure and cocks his gun to try again but you cautiously pipe up from behind Seb. "Ah, ah, ah! No killing in my home please..."

J glares at you for a second before turning it back to Harley and then Floyd before putting the gun back and storms past you and Sebastian into the elevator and jabs the B3 button. After the doors close on his darkly scowling face, Harley wails and dashes into her room and slams the door shut. Inside you could hear gut-wrenching sobs. 

You look around at everyone's shocked faces and force a smile. "Ah. Well then... who wants breakfast?"

Hark shrugs before reaching for a bowl. Flag and June shake their heads but reach for their bowls as well. Floyd just follows after Harley and tries to talk to her through the locked door. Sebastian leaves all three of their bowls down on the table and picks up last night's left over dishes. He nods to you and getting the message, you wave goodbye to everyone and follow him into the now vacant elevator and press the first floor. 

You lounge around in the kitchen with Seb while he washes the dishes for awhile before putting your phone down (you're positively addicted to Piano Tiles 2...) and looking up when Sebastian places the last dish into the cupboard. "Hey, I'm a little worried about J. Let's go find out where he went, k?"

Seb frowns down at you as he dries his hands. "Mistress, I do not think that that's a good idea. The man is angry and when a man as dangerous as he, is angry, a great quantity of people die. It is in your best interests that you stay away from him at this time." 

You pout at him and sit up from your lazy lounge ontop the marble counter top next to the sink. "But Seeeeb-"

Your whining gets cut off by your ringtone for Bruce Wayne. It's a segment from 'Hero' by Mariah Carey.

"Oh when a hero come along,   
with the strength to carry on,  
and you cast your fears aside,  
and you know you can survive-"

"Hello?" You answer the phone. 

"Alexandria, it's great to hear from you again!" Bruce's voice filters joyfully through the speaker. 

"You too Bruce. As lovely as it is to hear from you, can I ask what is the purpose of this call?"

"Yes, yes of course. I would like for you to come over to my mansion for lunch and a chat. Are you up for it?"

"Um..." Sebastian doesn't look too happy about it, but he nods his head. Anything was better than hunting for a furious Joker apparently. You sigh as you roll your eyes at him. "Alright, that sounds delightful. I'll be over in thirty, is that acceptable?"

"Perfect! I'll see you then."

"See you then." You hang up and give Seb a droll look. "Seriously?" 

He just shrugs and picks you up. "You know I have your best interests at heart, Mistress." Even though he didn't have his heart currently with him, but you don't point that out.

The two of you use those thirty minutes to get ready for your impromptu lunch date. Once two thirty rolls around, you create a portal to the outskirts of Bruce's property and head through with Sebastian close behind.

-

**Meanwhile...**

After Harley calmed down enough for Floyd to coax her out of her room, they all decided to play a nice soothing round of Soul Caliber 4. 

Hark yells as he's brutally stabbed to death by Harley. "That's not fair! Your charactah has that sneaky little foot stabby trick that you can nevah block!!"

Harley smirks at the screen as she continues to stab him even though the round is officially over, relishing his character's screams each time she hits him. "Then learn to play better pussy! Now who's next?"

She had already beaten everyone in the room _twice_ , so everyone just looked at each other, not wanting to get owned again. Floyd sighs and picks up the PlayStation 4 controller, but before he can do anything, they hear the elevator ding. Harkness perks up at the thought of gazing at Alex's beautiful visage once more, so he jumps up to go stand infront of the elevator doors as they begin to open. "Hello again my lovely- AAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

A huge and rather lopsided looking polar bear with wings comes lumbering out of the elevator with an earth-shattering roar and takes a swipe at Hark but he lurches away and runs in the other direction screaming bloody murder. As soon as Hark passes them, that breaks the shocked atmosphere, causing everyone to scream and run after Harkness. 

The polar bear roars again as it gives chase.

[TBC...]


	7. Awakened Affections... And Polar Bears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Slowly peeks out of hiding* I know that there is no excuse good enough so just take my apology and this brand new chapter! *Tosses both at the audience and flees*

You and Sebastian arrive at the end of Bruce’s ridiculously long driveway and begin the long trek of walking down it to the huge mansion (practically a castle) at the end of the road. You could have had Sebastian bring the car around, but you’re feeling a bit too lazy for that. (And yet you’re walking… Cardio?)

Once the both of you reach the large double doors, you ring the doorbell. A minute later an old butler opens the door for you. “Hello, I am Alfred, Master Bruce’s butler. I take it that you’re Ms. Pompeii?”

You smile and curtsy. “Why yes, I am. It’s a pleasure to meet you Alfred.”

Alfred smiles at you and welcomes you inside. “Master Bruce is waiting for you in the dining room. Follow me please.”

He then leads the both of you to said room with Bruce already sitting at the head of the long table. He seems to be focused on whatever was on his phone. Alfred clears his throat and announces you. “Alexandria Pompeii and her butler have arrived.”

Bruce jolts and sheepishly stows his phone away before standing up to kiss you on the hand and ignore Seb completely. You’re kind of affronted on his behalf, but you also think it’s funny so you leave it be. “I apologize Alex, I’ll have to leave soon, but I still have thirty minutes or so to enjoy your lovely company. Please, sit.”

He pulls out the chair to the right of his and sits down as soon as you do since Seb decides to push your chair in instead, giving the billionaire a mild glare. Sebastian stays standing behind your chair protectively after you’re situated. “That’s alright, I have other things to do as well. Now, what would you like to talk about?” Alfred leaves to get the food.

Bruce gets right down to it. “I actually wanted to talk about what happened at the grand opening a few days ago.” You sit up straighter. “I heard that you’re supposedly friends with the antihero, Painted Mage?”

You lean back in your seat and smile beatifically at him. Well, shit. You were hoping that he’d overlooked that… What a minute! Bruce was Batman when you said that! You squint at him in fake suspicion. “Well, Ms. Mage did tell me that she said that, but she also said that you had left before she could arrive.” You say this right as Alfred comes back into the room carrying two steaming plates of food.

You see Alfred facepalm in the reflection of your wineglass after he sets the plates down before Bruce quickly tries to make an excuse. “I did, but I am acquaintances with Batman myself and he informs me of things that may require my attention.”

You smirk at the vigilante in disguise. So that’s how it’s going to be, huh? “Oh really? That’s fascinating! How did that come about?” 

Bruce chuckles but sounds a little irritated. “I’d love to tell you, but you haven’t answered my question yet.”

Your smirk turns wolfish as you lean forward and steeple your fingers in front of your face. “But I’m _much_ more interested in the excuse that you’re going to tell me this time.”

Bruce pales, but before he can deny anything, you both hear Bruce’s phone go off. You can guess what it is so you delicately, mockingly, dab at your mouth with your napkin and move your cutlery in the exact wrong order (purposefully), signaling Sebastian to pull your chair back from the table and grab your hand to help you up. Bruce looks at his phone and grimaces. He looks back up at you but you and Sebastian are already walking out of the dining room. Bruce sputters and gets up to follow you but you just keep on walking until you get to the front door. “Now, wait just a minute! I-!” 

Sebastian opens the door for you but before you walk out, you look over your shoulder at the panicking billionaire. “I’ll see you later Batsy! Tell Joker hi for me, will you?”

Sebastian slams the door shut on Bruce’s stunned face, and the man scrambles to open it back up, but you and your butler are nowhere to be found.

 

///

 

After you get back to the mansion, your stomach grumbles from being interrupted from it’s meal. You grumble as well as you snatch a box of doughnuts from the kitchen counter and take a huge bite out of one of the delicious pastries inside. You don’t know where it came from, but you’re guessing that Sebastian had gotten it for you sometime earlier. They’re your favorite as well, strawberry filled with blue raspberry frosting and dark blue sugar crystals sprinkled on top. 

Sebastian calmly takes the box from you and holds it as you walk into the living room and flop onto the couch. He gracefully sits down next to you and holds out the box as you reach out for another one. (One of the many perks of being half fae is the fact that you can eat a bunch of crap and not gain a pound.) You turn to look at the black haired man next to you and make sure to swallow whats in your mouth before you speak. (Manners, you know?) “What are we going to do Sebastian? Too many people are finding out who we are, and I know that Bruce doesn’t know _yet_ , but he’s a smart cookie and he’ll be able to figure it out soon enough… I don’t want to kill him,” Seb slouches briefly at that. He was hoping for that, the little turd. “And we’re certainly not moving, we just got here! So… subtle blackmail it is then. He wont try to take me in while I won’t sing like a canary.”

You sigh and finish off your fourth doughnut, calling it quits after that one and you motion Seb to put the box away. After he does so, you crawl into his lap to give him a hug, trying to get the mild sulky look off of his face. “So that’s that then, huh? Thanks Seb! You always know just what to say! What would I do without you?”

Sebastian huffs with a small quirk to his lips as he returns your hug fondly. “What indeed…” He looks down at you warmly before something in his gaze shifts and he hugs you tighter. “Mistress…” He furrows his eyebrows and looks away. 

You raise an eyebrow and lean back a bit in order to see his face more clearly. “Yes? What is it?”

He opens up his mouth but closes it after nothing comes out. Both of your eyebrows shoot up this time. Sebastian is _never_ this nervous. What’s wrong with him? You place your hands on both of his cheeks and lean forward to study his face for any sort of tell. “Sebastian? Fylakas angelos, what’s wrong?” You rarely ever speak in your native tongue, but when you do, it’s usually to Seb or when you’re royally pissed.

Sebastian shudders and furrows his eyebrows even more as his molten gold eyes zero in on your worried violet ones. You notice that his puples are dilating rapidly as he leans closer… and closer…

_**CRASH!!!** _

Sebastian snatches you up and leaps off of the couch, placing his body between the sudden noise and screaming. You blink owlishly at what you and Sebastian were about to do, but before you can ruminate on it for much longer, the screaming gets louder as a loud roar can be heard.

Your eyes widen even more but this time in alarm as you wriggle out of Sebastian’s protective embrace and open up a portal to the guest quarters. You dash through, not noticing Sebastian’s face as it saddens before going blank. He follows you through the portal.

The scene you two run into is of Flag, June, and Floyd crowded on top of one of the tall bookshelves, watching as Harley and Harkness swing from the chandelier, trying to avoid the large paws of the fifteen foot tall winged polar bear that was lazily swiping at them.

Harley scowled at Harkness as he screamed and clung to her. “AY!! Get offa me ya aussie!! If the murderous teddy wants ta eat ya, THEN LET IT EAT YA AND GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” She punches him in the side while she grips the base of the chandelier with her other hand in a death grip.

Harkness ignores her and just yelps and scrambles for a better grip when a sharp claw manages to snag the back of his shirt. “AH DON’T WANNA DIE!!!” This is about the time when he catches sight of you and Sebastian from the corner of his eye. He perks up and nearly sobs with joy. “Alex! Lassie! Ya gotta help me! This beast’s been after my ass for hours now!”

Floyd rolls his eyes but relaxes with the rest when they catch sight of the two of you as well. “It’s only been fifteen minutes Harkness.”

You know just what to do. 

You step forward, reaching your hand into your back pocket. “Don’t worry guys, I’ll fix this.” You bring out your hand and in it’s grasp is your phone. You tap on it for a few seconds before a certain song careens out of the small speakers loudly. 

_IIIIIIIIIIII’MMM…! GONNA SWIIIIIIIING….! FROM THE CHANDELIEEEEEEER!!! FROM THE CHANDELIEEEEEEERRR!!!_

You burst out into loud and ugly laughter. Everyone but Harley and Harkness begins to laugh as well. Sebastian just smirks cruelly. Despair practically drips from Captain Boomerang as the polar bear gets energized from the song and begins swiping at them more earnestly. Harley just curses up a storm.

You let this go on until the song ends, and when it does, you put your phone away and place your hands on your hips with a perplexed look on your face. “Now I know that this is one of my creations, but for the life of me, I just can’t remember drawing him…”

Flag looks confused as he looks from you to the bear. “That’s a male?”

You give him a look that says, ‘You’re so stupid, I just died a little inside.’ “Eh, doi?”

Sebastian speaks up as he steps over so that he’s next to you instead of behind with one hand on his elbow as the other caresses his chin in contemplation. “Ah, there it is. I wonder how it got down the elevator…”

Everyone turns to look at him incredulously. Even you. 

You turn so that you’re fully facing him, Harkness’ screams and Harley’s curses are in the background. “Seb? When did- Oh no.” You suddenly understand everything. 

Sebastian just nods his head with a slight smug, ‘I-told-you-so’ look on his face. “Yes, when you passed out from your inebriation overwhelming you, you managed to accidentally finish the drawing that you had started in order to reach slumber.”

You facepalm in exasperation. “Well, shit. I haven’t done that since college…” You then whip your head around to mildly glare at the placid butler. “Wait a minute, why didn’t you take care of it!? You know that my creations are smarter than the average animal! You could have saved these guys a bunch of grief!”

Sebastian bows his head in acquiesce. “Indeed. My apologies Mistress. _But_ if I had, then you would not have had the chance to laugh that hard a moment ago. It is healthy to laugh like you are Ursula at times.”

You and a few others snort at that. Well, he’s not wrong. That _was_ a particularly ugly laugh that you had earlier… “Heh, yeah you’re right.” You slap your hands together before rubbing them with a regretful look on your face. “Alright, time to get rid of albino Baloo here…” 

As if sensing that that his time was almost at it’s end, the large winged polar bear left the two villains alone and lumbered over to where you and Sebastian were standing. Everyone in the room tensed except for the two of you. You tilted your head to the side in curiosity as the bear came closer until he was standing right in front of you. You open your mouth to say something, but your head is suddenly inside of the bear’s mouth. 

You scream. And so does everyone else in the room. Except for Sebastian once again.

You wave your hands around before gripping the polar bear’s jaws and removing them from it’s gentle hold of your head. You glare at the bear as you try to wipe away all of the slobber on your hair and face. “My _hair_!!! You ruined my hair! You stupid-!”

The polar bear wilts in the face of your wrath, looking like a kicked puppy and causing you to feel a bit guilty. You pause before looking at the ever nonchalant Sebastian and the gaping villains before you turn your gaze back at the weepy bear in front of you. You sigh before scratching the bear up under his chin, causing the big lug to flop onto his side with a thud and twitching his leg. 

Your heart melts. “AWWWW!!! I can’t destroy you, I just can’t!” You start to talk to him like one would when gushing to a puppy or baby. “Look at how cute you are! _Yes you are!_ You shall be named Eskimo!” 

While everyone else gapes at the three of you, Harley yells out in outrage. “Wait a tic, you mean to tell me that you’re NOT going to get rid of that mangy beast!? It’s an ABOMINATION!!”

You pout at Harley as Eskimo growls at her. You cover his fuzzy white ears and kiss his head. “She didn’t mean that. Oh, no no no.”

Harley hops down from the chandelier, causing Harkness to crash down to the floor and signaling the rest to climb down from the top of the bookshelf. She stomps over to you. “Yes I DID! You will-!”

You look at Sebastian with a bored look on your face and sigh. “Seb.” That’s all that needs to be said before Harley is gripped by the throat by Sebastian and dragged to her room. Floyd takes a step forward as if wanting to help her, but you catch his eye and shake your head at him, winking. Disgruntled, he let’s it go. Sebastian tosses a gargling and flailing Harley into her room, purposefully missing the bed and causing her to hit the wall and crash onto the floor. This time, even you have to wince a bit. She _IS_ pregnant after all… Maybe you should draw or call a doctor to come and look at her… With the exception of Sebastian, all of your creations can only be as smart as you are so drawing one may not work if you don’t know what to do. 

Sebastian glares down his nose at her coldly as he stands in the doorway. “See to it that you think before you allow idiotic words to spill from your pathetic person. And do remember that my Mistress is graciously allowing you to remain here when half of Gotham is searching for you all.” After he says that, he slams the door shut and types something into the keypad beside the door. He doesn’t even blink when Harley screams curses at him and pounds on the door. “Act like a child and you shall be treated as one. You will be held in this room until I or my Mistress can believe that you have decided to behave your age.” He pauses before speaking a bit more quietly and quickly. “And when you decide to refrain from interrupting important moments between… others in the household.” And with that, he jerks his suit back into place, dusts himself off and walks back over to you. He takes his usual place at your side, calm as ever.

Everyone is gawking at him until your phone suddenly decides to ring. All of the present villains jump and look at you while you take your phone out to check the screen. It’s the Joker. You quirk up an eyebrow and answer the phone. “Hello? J?” You absentmindedly lean away from Eskimo when he tries to eat the phone.

Joker’s overly chipper voice crackles through the speakers, out of breath for some reason. “Doll! It’s _beyond_ wonderful to hear your melodic voice!” 

You roll your eyes but smirk. “Just get to the point Joker. Why do you sound so out of breath?”

The clown laughs a bit breathlessly. You can hear some screaming, crashes, and yelling in the background. “An astute observation! Ahahahaha!! You see doll, when I’m stressed, I enjoy… well, I like to destroy things when I’m mad. Destroy things, cause chaos, ruin lives, the whole she-bang!” He breaks down into even more laughter. 

There’s a crash before you hear him grunt as it sounds as if he hits the ground. He’s still laughing. “Joker.” He hum's in between laughter. “The point?”

You hear gravel crunching as he gets up and keeps on running. “Oh yes! The point! Is it the point of a knife as you stab someone? Or is it the point of a needle as you sew an annoying person’s mouth shut?” Deranged cackles can be heard over the phone.

“I’m hanging up.” You deadpan.

Joker quickly shuts up and speaks again. “Alright, ALRIGHT! The bat’s after me and all of my goons are either dead, captured, or fled like the rats they are. Would you mind picking me up, my lovely blue rose?”

You stare nonplussed at the opposite wall for a moment before you sigh. “Yeah alright. Don’t get caught, dumbass.”

Joker’s voice goes from schmoozing to chipper immediately. “You’re one in a million doll!” You hang up.

You puff your hair out of your face before you turn to Seb. “Alright, let’s go get his royal clownlyness.”

[TBC…]


End file.
